day14 - loud bark? deep bite?
dear luci,
i'm inhabiting a veritable jumble of moods this evening, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm scattered.
I feel largely detached and disengaged with my surroundings. In social scenarios, I can barely conceal my exhaustion. I mumble, I slur my words, I regard the world as a cat might regard its owner in passing. Most of the time, when I smile it feels like it's more out of bemusement than anything else. In truth, if I'm not forthcoming when asked how I'm going, it's probably just because I can't be bothered explaining it all. It's not that I don't care about those interactions or the people I share them with.
This tabula rasa allows people to rationalise my affect however they want. Suddenly my flat affect isn't a surface level thing, it's a mask to conceal something far deeper— a wall I put up to protect myself. She's so mysterious. Who hurt her? In the worst case (and I'm speculating pretty heavily here so this might just be delusion talking) I think the dry, mocking banter I engage in can be misinterpreted as flirtation. But really, the most egotistical assumption here is that anybody really thinks deeply enough about me to have a theory. That's not really a self loathing thing, just the fact that humans get very caught up in their own lives, their own minds. Character analyses and close readings are reserved for fiction or therapy.
Anyway, I don't really have anywhere to go from here. I'm not really pleased with this entry but I don't have the energy to start again and think of something better to say.
sweet dreams Luci, I'm sorry for the low effort one tonight.