s02e02 - light showers
ever since you were a child you possessed whims and aspirations with a specificity that your peers weren't yet capable of. you had a look in your eye that caught people off guard: they expected the glassy, vague stare of recognition that a child usually possesses— but you were far more lucid.
from a young age you were fascinated with advertising. you memorised slogans, logos, jingles from commercials. did the facile elements appeal to you? the bright colours and the repetition? or was it some deepening pattern-recognition?
you really liked jazz, too. you had the sensibilities of someone whose age exceeded your ability to count.
as you got older, you became familiar with a certain sensation that was and is very difficult to describe. it is akin to the feeling of lining up for a ride at a theme park and finding that you are roughly 5 cm below the height requirement. it was the feeling of approaching a thought, a realisation that would make everything snap into place, but being just unable to get there. not quite intelligent enough to clear the obstacle. being on the precipice of a meaningful realisation. but falling short.
in primary and high school when your friends understood maths far better than you did. it felt elusive, slippery. like you didn't have something you needed for it to make sense.
in university when you wrote analytical work, when you felt SO close to formulating a truly original insight.
in your career, when you just can't manage to wrap your head around all the dense concepts that underpin everything you do.
in your personal life, when you think about whether you might have made a truly great comedian, musician, actress, writer, filmmaker, or otherwise, if you only had the drive and discipline to focus.
you always feel like there's something special about you. you never wanted to be exceptional because it would make you better than everyone else, no. what's more: you're far too self aware to claim you're anything but a regular person.
but you're quite terrified of that being true. that you are not exceptional.
you look to the past, compare it to the present and see yourself as a forecast thunderstorm that amounted to little more than a light shower.
and if you did it all over again, you'd probably reach the same result. the barrier in your head feels genuinely, biologically, intellectually insurmountable. just because you stand before a door, doesn't mean you will be able to open it.