s02e08 - jigsaw puzzles
today, a pretty girl made me realise that I have given up trying to chase a better life. I got a job because I needed one— practically, emotionally, and psychologically. I needed something to make me feel fulfilled. A way to spend my days. A way to prove myself to myself. A way to rid myself of the guilt that I was a leech, growing accustomed to the financial support of those around me.
Then I got a job. What was originally a "short term" client engagement now stretches out ahead of me indefinitely, promising to fill my days with the joys of teaching people how to use the new version of Microsoft Office.
"One day at a time" is a common refrain, but at what point does it just become a mantra, chanted to convince yourself to stay complacent in a situation that makes you miserable?
"So what do you want to do?"
I sat in silence, embarrassed that I had no answer for her. Nothing besides the "eventually's" of a few pet cats and a partner to come home to one day.
"I remember when we used to catch up and talk about all the things we wanted to create. How excited we'd get about that."
I couldn't even fault her logic. She was right.
At any given moment I can only conceptualize a seven-day window from that point. Every day I wake up because I know that's one step closer to going to sleep at night. Whatever creative fancies I had were sucked into a black hole.
if I keep going on like this, I think I'll die.
I haven't got any goals. My only goal is to make it through this engagement. Then, who knows.
I'd like to change that.
I'd like the opportunity.
I often wonder if I'm just pathologically lazy. Full of ambition but too gluttonous, too wasteful with my time to realise any of that potential.
I'm not saying that I need to live every moment like I'm sifting through the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, placing everything in its perfect spot and discarding the rest. That's an equally unhealthy overcorrection I don't have time to make. The fun of the puzzle isn't just solving it. That's kinda just an added bonus. The real enjoyment comes from the act of assembling it. I want to plan something. I want to build a better life. Piece by piece. Stitch by stitch. Frame by frame. I want the freedom to decide what should fit and what shouldn't. It's my damn puzzle. I get to choose how it looks. I want the freedom to say **"this doesn't look like it should fit. but I want it to."***
I get to try to build in ways that other people haven't thought of before.
that's the whole point of living, I think.
not every jigsaw puzzle is assembled completely in the company of another, warm drinks in mugs sitting beside each other on a table. but I want to share those moments. and then build some more by myself. and then share some more.