day01 - the end is nigh... or is it?
dear luci,
this is my very first letter to you! i hope you like it.
lately, i've been feeling unsteady. mainly in myself and my relationships, but that has extended to living my daily life feeling like one of those people holding a picket sign that says, "The end is nigh," yelling at passers-by to be prepared for the apocalypse1. i revert to superstition, bringing little talismans around with me, wishing on stars, and tapping my forehead twice whenever i have a thought i don't want to jinx. i've even been bringing you along to the office to keep me safe.
but i don't want to live with the fear that it's all going to collapse around me. that the ones i love will grow bored and leave. it only scares me so much because i know i have so much to lose. it's really scary, kiddo. sometimes, i get a text message from someone, and my heart just sinks, even when it has no reason to.
i think that's why i've retreated more into escapism. i've gotten back into the x-men comics (and the new mutants and excalibur, not x-factor though. f**k those guys2). it's given me something to look forward to, to reward myself with, but it's also been cathartic. i realised today that i really relate to rachel summers. maybe i'll get into that in another letter, but i guess i feel less alone. if the phoenix herself (and god, sometimes bpd really does make me feel like the phoenix) can overcome so much pain and trauma, find people to love (kitty pryde), and learn to trust, little ol' me probably can too.
maybe i'm not a high level telepath with the ability to transmute matter as i see fit. but if rachel has the strength to offer her life to Galactus, a GIANT COSMIC ENTITY WHO LITERALLY EATS WHOLE PLANETS to save her friends, i have the strength to keep going. besides, her power was too much for even Galactus. one lost, fiery, headstrong girl who loves so deeply despite it all.
if the world collapses, maybe i could rebuild it. but maybe it's not worth harping on.
if i get too apocalyptic, there's a risk of creating a good old self-fulfilling prophecy. i would much rather do what i can to have hope. to remain secure where i can. to get to a place where i'm not seeking comfort out of fear anymore.
fingers crossed, huh kid?
sweet dreams.
-luna
