day04 - they don't really care about us
dear luci,
bit of an earlier entry this time. today i feel... okay. it's a complicated day and that brings about a lot of complicated feelings, but i want to talk about friends.
this evening, i awoke from a nap to see a flurry of posts on social media by some folks who i considered somewhat close friends. they're mostly away working on a project, so i haven't really been offended none of them are able to hang out or anything. but today, i saw they all hung out in some very gorgeous place, and i believe they even invited one of our friends who wasn't away for the project.
i saw this post, and as a formality, i had this pang of jealousy/envy/hurt. and then i moved on. shortly after, i received a message from someone i used to consider a very close friend. we hadn't talked in a while, and i was almost excited she was reaching out. "greetings luna darling". aw. that's nice. and then: "valentine's day acid plex server please thank you". oh. she wanted something from me. and she couldn't even be bothered speaking in full sentences. that made me feel quite sad.
perhaps my pattern seeking brain is an avowed pessimist, but this seems to be a pattern in my life. i make some very close friends, time passes, they seem to lose interest, and then they don't really have anything to do with me until they need something. it's hurtful. it's very damn hard not to feel hurt by that. i saw a post today which read, "people notice your absence."
sometimes that feels untrue.
but then i thought about it this way: if you made some lovely new friends (i don't like to be a helicopter parent, i trust you to do your own thing and be responsible), and suddenly they were treating you this way? i'd be absolutely outraged. i wouldn't let them hear the end of it. because you're great luci! you're funny, you're kind, and you give great hugs. and why can't they show even a little bit of consideration after all you've (hypothetically) done for them??
i would tell you not to waste your time with people like that. you can give until there's nothing left, but the only one you're hurting is you, and in a majority of cases, it won't change how they treat you. i'd say you deserve better. you deserve to focus on the people who see how incredible you are, and treat you as such. and i would break out my softball bat and walk out the front door until you assured me that nobody's heads need knockin'.
luci: life is just too short to waste your tears, as imaginary as they may be, on people who don't value you. it's not you. you're not the problem. you have plenty of good friends. francine, pablo, umbreon, delilah (even though she has a way of showing it)-- i could go on.
throw yourself into the relationships that give back, rather than just take. and then, when you see those posts on social media, you won't feel anything. you'll scroll past like it was nothing. you will build your life around people who value you, and you will be stronger for it.
i love you lucienne. sweet dreams.
and if you're reading this, and you've felt the same at any point in your life, i hope you find the kinds of people that make love feel reciprocal. not transactional.