day06 - moderation
dear luci,
I have changed my mind about this entry at least 5 times already. this time, I will not start again.
"Want me to love you in moderation. Do I look moderate to you?"
I am not good at moderation. I feel things very strongly or not at all, but usually the former. And when I feel these very very big feelings, I have a reputation for being kind of loud about it. Or at least I think I do.
Feeling so many things so loudly is very embarassing and scary for me. It makes me feel like I'm forging the bullets that will one day be fired against me. I feel this way because historically, I have become very close, and subsequently very un-close with a lot of people. Often, for reasons I truly can't understand, these people don't have very favourable opinions of me, despite once having been some of my closest friends.
The cycle of guilt and shame just gains momentum. I begin resenting myself for not being more quiet about my feelings. I become desperate: if I am the perfect friend, I won't give people any reason to leave.
That's not always my motivation, mind you. Occasionally I'm just really enthusiastic about a relationship. I want to devote a lot to it. I want to show how much I care. I'm afraid it makes me seem like an over-eager little puppy, and I give people the sense that I view them as my whole world.
I'm afraid, Luci, that I don't know any other way to be. Though my voice has this naturally cynical quality, I do not know how to be anything but painfully sincere.
God it's scary sometimes. It opens me up to a lot of risk. Dodie sings this song "Sick of Losing Soulmates", and even when I was 16 it resonated deep within my soul, as if I had lived a hundred years. Now I'm a few soulmates older. Some were imagined, some were real.
And I know that's a strength. I love that about myself. I love that I cannot help but open myself to a person, to bear it all and say "This is me, I hope that's cool with you", and to say it without a hint of apology. I love that I am so fucking idiosyncratic. I love that I am an acquired taste, that I require a little bit of effort to unpick. I love that I am so fucking easy to love (just like you, kiddo).
I'm not looking for someone to be my world. Just for someone who gets it. Two celestial bodies in orbit. A gravitational pull that feels comfortable, not overbearing. One that allows us both to grow, together and apart. You don't need to control my tides, and I don't need to control yours. I just want someone to see who I am beyond the chaos, like a magic eye poster. To see the forest AND the trees.
One day, kiddo.
But until then, I'll keep on gathering rocks and space debris, and I'll grow, just for myself.
Sweet dreams, Luci.
