day07 - hope you survive the experience
dear luci,
a much shorter entry. tonight i feel tired. i can sense myself retreating further into the comfort that escapism provides. godwilling i need not fear being left behind by people who simply don't exist outside of the imagination of myself and others. fictional characters can't outgrow me, nor can they tire of my antics.
i sleep with a weighted blanket at night. to say that it makes me feel held would be a lie, but when my heart is racing and my nervous energy manifests in the curling and un-curling of my toes, it feels grounding. it's like the blanket is a loved one saying "no. don't get up. now you rest." it's not the same as holding someone, being the big spoon, they take your arm and steal it, hold it close to their chest.
i hope you don't get too squished when i fall asleep, luci.
so i fall deeper into escapism to add colour to my world, to help me see the bright, beautiful things in life rather than glossing over them with vacant eyes. in lieu of big exciting stories (though i haven't stopped chasing them) the ones printed on the page will do for now until i come across my own. and then i will have less need to immerse myself, to learn everything, to dream in vibrantly inked panels.
at least I've learnt one thing. tenacity and drive aren't a problem for me. i can accomplish tasks (perhaps of trivial importance) on an incredible scale. it's just about inventing motivation. turns out I'm very motivated to heal, to be happy, to feel okay.
welcome to the world, lunamouse. hope you survive the experience.
sweet dreams, luci.