day100 - dog after all
dear luci,
holy shit. I fucking did it.
100 entries. 100 nights. beginning all the way back in February. I'm not really one for keeping habits. Things fall by the wayside really easily. which reminds me…
today has been a far more emotionally taxing day than I expected. from interpersonal conflict in my friend group to a conversation with my ex that kind of broke me (in a good way, I guess). I had the energy for approximately none of it. but I needed to, so I just did. just fucking did it.
as I drifted off to sleep last night midway through my entry, I was aiming to make some point: all day I had been freezing cold. at home, at work, and outside when I was acting in a friend's film assignment. but finally I ended up warm in the arms of a girl who cares for me. very enriching and sentimental thought. When I drove there that night, I knew I wouldn't have the energy to pay as much attention to my other two friends who were in the house, as I normally would. I selfishly, and no, I'm not being sarcastic, thought that'd go unnoticed. yeah, maybe if that wasn't an ongoing issue. no shit, it was upsetting. I was engrossed in the warmth of this girl and couldn't pay attention to anything or anyone else. imagine a friend coming over to your house just to cuddle up with your girlfriend and barely say a word to you. I don't deserve the kindness she has shown me anymore. one friend went back home late last night. in the morning I felt like a dog who didn't play nice with other dogs. honestly it should've been me, the problem-child, who was returned to her kennel.
I talked with my ex boyfriend tonight about those friends I've lost recently. I'm not the victim of Hot Allostatic Load. I'm not a victim at all. I'm the fucking problem. In the nicest possible way, he explained to me how I had made him feel taken-for-granted, unvalued, unloved as I chased single-mindedly after whomever took my fancy that month. it was never those girls’ fault, it was mine— I couldn't see past my own desire to do what felt good, even if it hurt others. When I fixate on someone, I get tunnel vision. everyone else melts away. I hate that I'm like this. I made someone I loved so fucking much feel like I didn't care about him.
this is the pattern of behaviour. I neglect my friends and lovers. I chase cars.
and I relayed the prior night's events with this new perspective much clearer in my head. I haven't changed a fucking bit. it brings me untold pain knowing how badly I've hurt so many people I love.
sometimes I wonder that I'd be like without a personality disorder. probably happier. probably have more friends. this probably wouldn't be a problem. but this has been me for so long. since I was a child. easily distracted, superficial little thing.
I listen when it suits me. I sit and wait as my owner walks me up to a crossing, unless the glint of the sun shining of a car’s glossy paint catches my eye. then I run into traffic. consequences be damned.
one day I'll catch up with one of these cars. I won't see a big four-wheel drive speeding through a blind corner. I'll be too caught up in the thrill of the chase. and then I'll feel the sharp snap before the realisation that I've finally caught up to a car. just not the right one. and everything will go dark. and that'll be it.
maybe, despite my protests, I've been a dog after all.
sweet dreams luci<3