day105 - ultralife/high on humans
dear luci,
hello again. i think this is good, keeping these entries intermittent, whenever i feel like it.
I've tried a few different ways of doing this since we last talked, a few other places to put these entries, public and private alike, but here is good.
for the last few days i've been afflicted with a "general malaise" as some people close to me like to call it. a mental and emotional (sometimes physical too, if you're feelin' frisky) state of bleh.
a combination of profound exhaustion, loneliness, and dissatisfaction with the seemingly never-ending cycle i've found myself in. able to muster only the barest responses to simple questions. paralysed with indecision or disgustingly: occasional indifference, when the people in my life try to reach out to me.
it is ironic, if i'm using the word correctly, that i feel like all of the best things in my life are slipping through my fingers. the best people, the best relationships and closest bonds, when i am singlehandedly enabling that course of action with my silence. you can only apologise for being burnt out so many times. that's a kindness that can only extend so far.
i am suffering, but what's more— the people i love are suffering. sometimes with things i can't help with. they probably feel the same way about me. Что делать? What is to be done?
I will use my words as a beacon. I will transmit my love, my strength, my hope across the oceans of suburbia. i will melt the ice formed upon so many hearts. i will say the words "i love you", "i am here", and remind them that as long as i live, they will not be alone. indulge in my saviour complex a little.
i have so much love inside me. i must believe that i can do something with it. for whatever reason, i cannot hold you right now– this is my only recourse. i will burn even brighter. be the sun they need in these winter mornings.
what i am doing is a coping mechanism. a somewhat delusional if not well meaning belief that i can outrun loss by simply being everything everybody needs. if i am serving a purpose, helping, bringing value or joy or laughter, i won't get left behind. unfortunately i've been proven wrong too many times to continue to earnestly believe that could be the case.
i will continue to lose people. to the hurricanes in their own worlds. to a lack of time, of energy. it has happened so many times before, but i cannot stop it from hurting. i cannot make peace with that.
it has been a while, a long long time since i have felt prolonged, uninterrupted joy in my life. that will probably come back around sometime, but its absence is felt. in the meantime i feel like i am taking an endurance test. how much more of this? don't know, just push through. hope to god it ends soon. hope to god i can rest.
sweet dreams, luci <3