day106 - and i tell you earnestly
that i cannot do this anymore.
dear luci,
Begin every good speech with a definition, preferably Miriam-Webster. Bonus points if author can provide self-aware quip to defend their inexcusable use of cliché. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Dysthymia | Noun | dys·thy·mia |
A mood disorder characterized by chronic mildly depressed or irritable mood often accompanied by other symptoms (such as eating and sleeping disturbances, fatigue, and poor self-esteem)
"[…] known as Persistent depressive disorder. […] a psychiatric condition marked by symptoms that are similar to those of major depressive disorder, but which persist for at least two years in adults[…].
If only I had just trawled the DSM for a pretty word describing exactly what is wrong with me— no, this is a formal diagnosis. Basically I'm prone to extended bouts of depression that I kinda just power through— it's hard for me to notice when, or if they end.
I can trace my most recent "episode" back to late November, shortly after returning from a trip that would change my life in many ways.
it would be the death knell for two relationships.
it would be the first time I travelled overseas as an adult (and not as part of my uni degree).
It would create some of my fondest and most surreal memories.
It would spark an even further desire within me to travel.
When I got back, my life felt stagnant and purposeless. A still pool that had become a breeding ground for mosquitos.
Christmas was hard. I felt alone. I was kind of alone. So I just made gifts for people. Another case of "if I devote my time and energy into doing something for someone, the universe will reward me down the line, even just with a feeling of satisfaction".
I sought purpose in developing a game that I convinced myself would eventuate, who knows, it still might, but I got no clue if I'll be around when it does.
I dove headfirst into getting a full-time job, which I managed to do. Money's great to have at the expense of my happiness and wellbeing.
I made friends and convinced myself I was better. The job started. I got worse at replying, got less affectionate, but became a lot closer to one of them. My other friend had to stop doing side missions and complete a story quest she'd been neglecting (no judgement, I'm a completionist to my own detriment). As I visited her, mostly to drop off supplies and emotional support where it was accepted/needed, I told her of the new world I was living in, and I think she felt relieved (partially for mental illness reasons) that I could live "a happy life" without her.
Which, I could, to be clear, but I like her and I don't really want to give her a pass to succumb to entropy when nobody's paying regular attention. That said, things were never as happy as she thought they were. I can't tell how much of it was her inner monologue of "I'm no longer hurting her by being in her life", and how much of it was her trying to help me put things in perspective.
I went from intermittent contact with one person to internment contact with four people who all feel slighted or hurt by my inability to keep in touch. I read friends' blog entries published on a platform I recommended that open a pit of guilt in my stomach because sometimes they're about the aforementioned hurt I've caused. I came on too hot, cooled down too much, and wouldn't you know it, it's all gone brittle.
The newfound closeness with one of their numbers has been going well, but I'm also located at a unique juncture which allows me to be privy to everyone's (mostly other partners of hers) grievances seemingly predicated on the space I'm suddenly occupying in her life. "Why are you closer to her than I am?" "Why have you done these things with her and I haven't?" "You'd have a better idea of her emotional state lately than me". I don't know what the fuck happened. I just got here.
Can't complain. Anything I can say to relieve the pressure. I am very easy to deal with because I exist on the periphery of everything. Engage as much or as little as you need, love me as much or as little as you feel like, I'm your little pet.
I asked
I told
Sorry for being so jaded. I just can't keep living this cycle. I feel so disconnected and I know that none of this is real.
I'll feel better in the morning.
I promise.
love you all.
Sweet dreams Luci<3