day108 - fun and games
when we met, I thought you were the most incredible thing. you were kind, smart elegant, and very pretty, but I was blown away by your ambition and all you'd done in pursuit of it. the sets you'd worked on, the job you had, the films you made. you were three years younger than me but I felt like you were five ahead of me with all you'd achieved. we began collaborating creatively through uni. our first project was an experimental short film conceptualised by both of us and executed by you. when you cast me in your 16mm short I couldn't believe it. nobody in our circle had given me a chance like that.
in the end I don't think it was what you hoped it could be.
then there was the game. it was always going to be "yours" in spirit but I was fine with that. just as long as it felt a little bit like "ours". the game kept me alive for a few months. it gave me purpose when i had none. it gave me something to look forward to, something to be proud of working on. i suggested we put it on hold when it looked like it was all too much. I sent the messages out to the rest of the team, insistent that we'd get back to it
the game is why I met the best people in my life right now.
two months ago I wrote:
"I sought purpose in developing a game that I convinced myself would eventuate, who knows, it still might, but I got no clue if I'll be around when it does."
and I was more prophetic than I knew.
nearly two months ago, a friend spoke without thinking and accidentally told me you had asked about funding again, but to keep it quiet. You had been making half-jokey allusions that we should quit our day jobs and start a studio together. I thought you were putting the documents together to surprise me with the offer of getting started again. retrospectively, the fact that I was so naive hurts me.
then more things happened
and eventually
today I decided that I missed you, and I wanted to be friends again. I didn't really feel all that cut up anymore about things. You sent me a bunch of pictures you had taken throughout the week. In the background of one of the photos was a pitch deck for our your game.
we talked and you said yeah, you want to get it started again. you asked if I wanted in. I had a thought. "when did you ask the other two if they wanted to do it?"
"two weeks ago"
this probably seems so petty to anyone reading.
I was flooded with the feelings of hurt and anger I felt earlier in the week.
even when we were working on it together, I didn't feel valued. I feel even less valued now. you felt bad about not telling me sooner but you later said that you didn't feel you had an obligation to. for what it's worth, I don't think you did either. even if it didn't come with an offer to join, it would've made me feel like what I had put into the project up to that point was respected.
and this part isn't fair but it was very easy to feel like an afterthought to you, sometimes. you said that this week while we weren't speaking, you felt like you were holding your breath, and the part that hurts the most is that I don't know if it's because you really missed me, or if it's just the discomfort of knowing you upset someone and can't do anything to make it better just yet.