day114 - entropy
she says, as i lean back on the couch and try to make sense of the call that just ended. it felt like I was in guitar hero and kept playing the wrong notes, interrupting the song with the discordant tone that sounds when you make a mistake.
I send a message to summarise my thoughts. i feel like everything i said was disjointed and unsatisfying. she listens and doesn't always respond until you've finished a thought, which is really polite and sweet, but it just kinda means I end up fumbling around until I give up. i feel like I'm better at getting instant feedback.
and i do mean that. maybe it's a weak kind of cope, but i don't really care, i've decided that it's what i believe and I'm sticking to it.
she does text like she talks, but doesn't tend to overcompensate for the absence of tone like I or others I know do. normally that'd be fine, but i feel a lot less self-assured around her, like i have more to explain or prove or something.
a week ago, i spent my night sleeping between her and my girlfriend— as I would continue to do over the next four nights. it was wonderful exploring the city with her, and I have so much to gush about, but it just isn't one of those posts tonight. instead it's a more uncertain one, one where I have a harder time celebrating the good things in my life.
this job is killing me. slowly sapping my energy, my personality, and it only took me a week away from it to fully come to terms with that. at the end of the day this job hasn't provided me with any meaningful skills besides experience and familiarity, which, while important, mean little to an employer who must first judge your entire worth based on a one to two page document.
I don't feel like worth is something I have a lot of. I lack the skills to pursue my passions, and I lack the time and energy to learn the skills I want to have. my self esteem is at a low, my feeling of fulfillment is even lower, and my place in the world feels meaningless and/or unstable.
instead of pursuing my best life or seizing the day, i do very little, and I fear that'll end up ruining the relationships that I cherish.
I'm watching my friends suffer the same fate that I'm suffering whilst not having the energy to help them the way I think I need help.
this song came on in the car on the way home today and it made me wonder, as I have been wondering all weekend, if I should plan to leave this city, escape the entropy that seems to await otherwise. but will things really change? or will I just be depressed and alone in a new state, rather than just depressed in a familiar one. I know at the very least that I would not want to leave without