day19 - whoami
dear luci,
sometimes i feel less like a person and more like a series of trauma responses strung together and stuffed into a bag.
it's hard to feel like you're an autonomous being when your body and brain launch into weird, script-like series of emotions and actions when faced with certain scenarios.
I don't like the idea that I can be ruled by my emotions, even though my experience of emotion is one of heightened awareness and sensitivity. I would much rather process feelings via rationalising them, which can occasionally work, but when your brain is in crisis mode because it has decided you're In Danger™ of abandonment, logic means fuck all. and like, I'm pretty well adjusted, I'm pretty good at regulating my emotions and stuff — but my life has been kinda crazy and tumultuous lately, I think I deserve to give myself a little grace.
I take times like these to remind myself of a few truths:
You existed before your trauma. That's not what brought you into the universe. You are not defined by the worst you have experienced.
You can control your emotions. You can control your responses to things. Just because you established a reflex, doesn't mean it's fixed in place forever. It's very difficult to unlearn, and even harder to manage when you're in it, but it's worth the time and effort.
You have hopes, dreams, and desires. They are so vivid— but sometimes you need to push yourself to expand your horizons. That's growth, not overcompensation. Just because you aren't loud about it, doesn't mean you don't have so much you want to achieve in life.
It's hard to rationalise with an animal that has been backed into a corner. But you're not an animal, and the corner you're in isn't a corner. It's a crossroads. Look, I can't always win with the metaphors okay? But my point is that you need to accept both the fact that your trauma is very fucking formidable, and also that you (generally) have more influence in your life than you think. They are contradictory truths, but hold them both within you. Of course it's hard to overcome, so be kind to yourself, but that doesn't mean you have no power.
Anyway, that's life baby.
Sweet dreams, Luci.