day22 - tenure
dear luci,
I haven't forgotten about "finding my niche part 2", today something happened that gave me a reason to write about something different, i.e. I got a message from a person saying that she would love to catch up but the mere thought of seeing me, let alone my presence, makes her physically nauseous. in any case, glad I wrote this ahead of time, cause I spent the last hour chatting to some of my comedy/film criticism idols, which was a nice win after today.
I love it when someone opens up to me. Obviously because it shows they're comfortable with me, that I have earned their trust, that they feel confident in reaching out to me. That's one of the most wholesome, heartwarming feelings I know. But I love it for another, more selfish reason too.
If a friend reaches out to me for support, if I can make them feel seen or understood or cared for: they're less likely to want to leave. And it feels good to help, obviously. I like being kind and supportive. But I have "learnt", and I say that in inverted commas because I have come across overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that if I am at least of use to someone, they will want to keep me in their life. That's not really what happens. You just end up giving more and more of yourself because you think it'll make you feel good. And it does. But the kind of people who are prepared to ask so much of you are often not prepared to give you even the bare minimum in return.
I don't believe that relationships should be viewed as transactional. In fact, I think that outlook poisons the very heart of what makes interpersonal relationships so beautiful. But I think when you're not used to people just accepting you on face value and without any "perks", it's easy to develop an understanding of self worth as directly proportional to the value you bring to others' lives. Talk about poison, that'll kill you.
And when I say "leaving", I don't just mean drifting apart. That's a normal thing that friends do. I am all for the "pick up where we left off" model when it comes to certain people. I mean souring on you completely, finding some fault within you that is, funnily enough, completely out of your control, leading them to the conclusion that they don't really want to be in your life anymore.
"So I will wait for the next time you want me. Like a dog with a bird at your door."
— Phoebe Bridgers, Moon Song
Too many times I have felt that shame of knowing I deserve better, knowing I shouldn't give my time or energy to a person. But then again...
I'm trying to be better. To care less without being careless. To know my worth and act accordingly.
I'm just tired of feeling so replaceable.
sweet dreams, Luci <3