day23 - the great lie of "forever"
dear luci,
today i decided that "forever" is nothing more than a lie we tell ourselves to feel better. everything around us is in a constant state of flux. we live an inherently unstable existence, yet we rely on fictions to shield us from the truth of our own pain, like talismans warding off dark magicks. We try to banish our demons through superstition, belief, sentimentality, and simply: words. "forever" is one such word. a mournful chime ringing through a bell tower that has fallen into disrepair.
Forever is a farce. It is futile resistance against an immovable object. Our love will be forever. This is our forever home. And they all lived happily ever after. Forever is a panacea for the desperate soul. A placebo. You've found it... until you've lost it.
"You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting, but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory."
— Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again
Stop me if I'm sounding too much like a Reddit atheist who just discovered nihilism. when I decided today that "forever" is the greatest lie ever told, I was not at peace. I was not happy. I was not satisfied by my righteous pursuit of the truth. I was fucking miserable.
we're all adults here. we know there's no such thing as forever. that's something that we learn the first time a loved-one dies. when we say "forever", we don't literally mean UNTIL THE END OF TIME. it is the declaration that in this moment, this person, or this cause, anything— is so important to me I would devote my life to it. that is not to say we expect it to never end, or those feelings to never change. we just don't think about the end. because why would you borrow grief from a future that hasn't come to pass yet?
Words are powerful things. Some things can only be spoken into existence. In conjunction, words like "I love you", or "I promise" speak bonds into existence. A holy man prays in the house of God: those words are sacred. In speech, a politician or a magistrate transmutes their judgement into law, inscribing these words upon the bodies of the governed or the accused.
"forever" is a word. it is a spell of hope. forever is a quiet comfort to a wounded soul.
so I've changed my fucking mind.
I believe in forever. I believe in the power of words, and even more I believe in the absolute NECESSITY of hope. At our lowest, hope is all that keeps us going, even if we don't have any reason to believe better things are on the horizon.
I don't win anything by being a cynical old witch. The fire of hope burns so much brighter, so much stronger than a bucket of water thrown to try and douse its flames.
so I will hold on to hope. I will hold on to forever. and i will cast that spell with nothing but the utmost sincerity and love in my heart. if you hear the word "forever" pass between my lips, I must love you a great deal.
sweet dreams, luci <3