dear luci

day25 - rejection, disappointment, and self worth

dear luci,

yesterday, i discussed this previous entry with my therapist. sorry to give you required reading, oops. we talked about how helping friends through difficult situations gives me a sense of security and fulfillment in a relationship. we talked about the situation i describe in the preamble to that earlier post. the following is a rough re-collection of how it went.

Therapist: And how did you respond?

Luna: I told her that as much as I care about her, I just can't put myself in the position to help her deal with that, emotionally or otherwise.

T: Of course. To deal with that persistent threat of rejection.

L: Exactly.

T: Well, don't you think this is a reversal of the usual script?

L: What do you mean?

T: You told me that you're normally very eager to offer anything you can >when a friend expresses hardship.

L: Yeah, that's true.

T: But in this case, you set a boundary. You said "I can't do that for you."

the cogs whir in my brain, we sit for a moment.

T: Power to you. This time, you didn't rush to fulfill the needs of someone else. You acted based on your own needs.

boom. fucking. hell. she was right. she was so right. and it wasn't even a decision that brought upon any kind of internal conflict. i just decided that right now, the priority in my life needs to be me. i need to look after myself, which i have historically had trouble with.

life is a series of bitter rejections and disappointments accompanied by the most brilliant joys and satisfactions-- or the other way around (their respective ordering in this sentence comes down to semantics, not mindset).

life is also a game of estimation. "how much am i willing to, am i able to endure in pursuit of this aim?" and i say endure because rejection and disappointment are not inherently bad. they are not to be avoided, because you CANNOT avoid them. "does/will achieving or pursuing this aim bring me more joy, fulfillment or satisfaction, than pain?"

these are questions i have avoided asking myself many times before. SO. MANY. TIMES i have forgone disappointment or sadness and skipped straight to assuaging the guilt (likely, often felt as more of a formality than anything) of whomever neglected my needs, hurt my feelings, let me down, treated me like a fucking household appliance. BECAUSE IT WAS WHAT THEY NEEDED OF ME.

i don't want to invest that kind of energy in people who don't care about me all that much. those ticks and leeches.

i'm getting better. slowly but surely. reprioritising where i invest my time, my energy. it's too precious, and it has been wasted too wantonly on these fucking vampires. and calling them vampires is generous too, at least vampires are hot.

the hard part is that they're not all bad people. some of them just don't have space or time for me in their lives. and that's something I have to accept, no matter how painful it is.

i'm done building a house for two and hoping someone will want to move in. doing all the legwork for someone who doesn't really want to be there.

so i will build a house for me and me alone. and if anyone decides they want to live with me, we will work together to add some new rooms. we will meet each other halfway.

sweet dreams luci <3

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