day26 - get the hell out of dodge
dear luci,
I've been thinking that I want to live in Japan. I used to have stress nightmares about travelling far away whilst being alone. But now I can't think of anything I'd rather do. I want to move to Japan and live there for a year or two. I want to experience Christmas over there. I want to go skiing. I want to learn to cook for myself, and live for myself, and be surrounded by so much beauty all the time.
I don't want to run from my problems here. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I have nothing left keeping me in this city except for a tenuous job prospect I haven't heard back about for a week. I wouldn't throw a going away party. I would just leave and start fresh. Try to teach my stupid-ass a new language. Learn to be alone in the most radical way. Create art by myself and stop hoping people will donate their time and effort to me, an unknown quantity.
Of fucking course I don't want to do all this alone. My heart aches with the desire to live with someone I love. To place poorly wrapped Christmas presents under a shoddy little tree in our apartment. To learn and laugh and try new things with. To cook for, to figure out exactly how they like their tea or coffee so I can make it for them in the mornings. To share music and art with.
But the only things keeping me here are my family, my dog, and my "job", and the latter isn't even a done deal. I've spent the last 6 or 7 years comfortable but scared. Guess it's time to sit with discomfort and finally become free of fear. For every moment you lean on someone, the harder it becomes to get back up on your feet. So I wish I could leave. Money is the only practical barrier.
I deleted Instagram from my phone so I wouldn't have to spend my days bombarded with reminders that everyone I love is moving on in their life without me. That's totally fine, no hard feelings, that's life, and I don't blame anyone for that. If only I could get the fuck out of here so I can do the same. I'm done living with ghosts. But I don't have much of a choice in the matter.
sweet dreams luci.