day27 - the space between "me" and "us"
dear luci,
although my day got off to a relatively slow start, when I got moving, I didn't stop until about the time I started to write this. in that time, I managed to:
- Go to IKEA and brave hundreds of shoppers who suddenly forgot how to walk in crowded spaces. Also I bought some furniture.
- Assemble said furniture by myself: a bookshelf and a small set of drawers for under my desk.
- Begin to populate the bookshelf with a bunch of beloved little trinkets I've had scattered around the house for need of a place to put them all together.
- Clean out a couple of the remaining boxes from my old room.
- Carry 5 or 6 boxes to the shed (in the heat, I know I'm very brave)
- Decide where some framed art is going to go (putting them up is a tomorrow job)
- And also begin to fill my new drawers with a bunch of the important things I've also kept scattered around the house.
It very much ruled as opposed to the alternative which I'd have enjoyed but not been fulfilled by, i.e playing Minecraft for hours.
However going through these trinkets and decorating the bookshelf, as well as looking through the framed art and assorted wall mounted accoutrements made me feel conflicted. I was creating a monument to all the things I love, and that was very fun. But this space was designed and built with the express purpose of temporarily housing my (somewhat newly ex) boyfriend and I.
I went to the shelf in the lounge and left no trace of the critical theory that sat next to his collection of books. I went to the kitchen shelves and took down some figures and models next to some of his ceramic creations. It was almost as if I was remaking the space, which we had begun to create together, into something solely mine. It was exciting and fun, but it was also painful.
He was the one with the sense of interior decoration (probably owing to the dozens of hours he has poured into Sims 4) so on that front, I'm screwed.
It's strange going through a breakup with someone you still care so deeply about and also actively live with. My last breakup was very much along the lines of "I can't wait till you get the fuck out of my house". But with this one, I don't know how I'll be able to let him go. It's not a matter of doubt or uncertainty around whether this is the right course of action, I think we've both resolved that, as much as it absolutely destroys us, it is— it's more just the fact that I know when he moves out, we'll see each other less and less, and I don't know how close we'll end up being.
He adds a vibrance to my home life, a little more conversation and laughter at the dinner table each night, and he's there when I'm bored and just need to hang out with someone. I walk into his room and show him funny Tiktoks at night. We interchangeably go for Maccas runs to bring ice cream home. He had a little model house on display up in one of the kitchen shelves, and he took it down recently. Normally I wouldn't think much of it, but it made me really sad. He was just changing the battery for the light, but I realise that he probably won't bother putting it up again. He has touched my life in so many ways over the last 4 and a half years. I wonder if I will ever look back on the time I spent with him and just be glad, rather than feeling like I'm about to cry. I hope I will. But right now it's still raw. it feels like we lived so much life together.
We're going through a lot of changes, respectively and together in our lives. He's coming into his own like crazy, every day I see him feeling more and more comfortable with who he is, and watch him express that to people in his life shamelessly, unapologetically, vividly. He's going back to work after surgery, he's studying, he's hanging out with friends. I'm sad things had to go the way they did. But I'm very grateful that I'm in his life to watch him bloom like this.
my flowers will surely be in season soon, too.
sweet dreams luci.