day29 - lost time
dear luci
i am technically cheating by writing this entry the morning after it was properly due.
last night i got drunk and messy and gave into many of my worst, most unhelpful impulses. in the harsh light of day, i am incredibly embarrassed and ashamed, but that's okay, I got too comfortable (an unreasonable amount) and it won't happen again. planning for hosting last night was also the one thing I had to look forward to, and now that it's over, I've been thrust into uncertainty and entropy once again.
i refuse to allow myself to become exactly what they think of me: all whim, all emotion, like a hapless puppy who runs itself ragged in the pursuit of affection. I will no longer be defined by the interests and hobbies which have been ignited while I knew them. any new people I meet will not see me as a poser, a personality leech, a hopeless wannabe: this version of me is all they will know. no longer the rider of coattails, no longer the sycophantic imitator. they will respect me for who I am rather than pity me for my confused sense of self.
I feel like it's probably a good idea to put some distance between myself and these people once more. they tend to experience me in instances few and far between, as either drunk/manic or depressed, and that is not how I want to be known. the feeling of "you're never alone, there's always someone who will help you work through this" is no longer authentically helpful and is more of an enabling crutch. it is likely better for me to pour myself into my work and allocate the rest of my time to myself. I will find new people to make a fool of myself in front of, and maybe this time it'll stick.
have a good day luci