day30 - no dogs allowed
dear luci
I'm currently (we're currently, you're in my bag right now, but I'm the only one who knows that) sitting in a park in absolute darkness with some friends who were kind enough to invite me out to hang.
today I felt a lot of things. I had a pretty substantial and intense breakdown (feels dramatic but it's the best word I can think of to describe it). I said and did a lot of weird and confusing things, but I would like to focus specifically on how I got through it. I had planned to take two of my nighttime pills (which make me drowsy) so I could go to bed early and skip to tomorrow. this would incidentally but not unintentionally mean I wouldn't have had dinner as well.
but I didn't do that. I had dinner. I got through things via a small window of clarity, which, if unacknowledged, would have lapsed back around into general distress and breakdowniness.
I also got through it with the kindness and patience of some very important and beloved people. at my most vulnerable and uncertain, they helped me summon the strength to decide to end the cycle.
I would like to thank them, to counteract all the times today where I felt my vulnerability and desperation made me burdensome. I had convinced myself I was alone, but that was a choice I was making rather than a fact.
right now I still feel somewhat alone, somewhat uncertain, somewhat uneasy. but I will try to focus on the little things that being me joy, even if that's just a photo of two Pokemon plushies together.
in future I will continue to try and draw on this strength, and trust that I am loved.
ending the night by listening to folie a deux.
sweet dreams Luci