day32 - cassandra

14 Mar, 2025

dear luci,

as i woke up, i felt i was starting my day at a disadvantage. the tranquillity and hopefulness of the morning passed me over, for whatever reason. i lingered in bed long after i had awoken. i went into a meeting trying to ignore the occasional plummeting feeling deep in my stomach: i anticipated something, a message, some news, anything really, that would legitimise the low mood i was feeling. to be clear, it wasn't like, pessimism-- more so that my brain convinced me that i had some prescient awareness of an impending incident, some unpleasant or painful revelation which was due to come to light.

before i really understood what i was doing i had "identified" said incident, going as far as to bring it up with the concerned party as if it were a forgone, evidence-based, proven conclusion. as it turns out, i am not immune to faulty chains of reasoning-- something i was certain i had worked through by now, after years of therapy and getting to know myself better. seems that healing is not a linear process, which is a real bitch. to this person's credit, they were kind and patient with me, albeit confused, and we kinda talked things out. i had constructed a brick wall dead-end in my mind, and imagined a threat slowly pushing me back against it. the wall fell away, and suddenly it was never real to begin with, and i looked ahead to see the "threat" was no more real than the ghost you saw as a child, conveniently unmoving in the exact spot in your room where you'd hang your backpack.

this must be how the characters in scooby doo feel when they unmask the monster.

"but it turns out the real black knight ghost is no other than... my subconscious??"

"and i would've gotten away with it too! if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb dog!"

i dont particularly want to make a habit out of entertaining these boogeymen (or women) to the point where i have to verify their existence with a third party. sometimes it's necessary, don't get me wrong, but as i have learned, no matter how much you love someone, it can get exhausting when you need to keep assuring them you're not going to leave. i don't mean just every now and then, too, i mean like, regularly.

so i got offered a full time job today.

my elation and my relief intermingled. i spent the rest of my day doing not too much at all, and i didn't feel immensely depressed about it! i read comics, i watched my birds play, i did some nerdy shit. but still... that sense of dread.

like the oracle cassandra, blessed with the gift of prophesy and cursed with the knowledge that nobody will ever believe her. rest now cassandra, troy is fallen. the worst has passed. crisis averted, you're not fated to be agamemnon's unwilling concubine! you got out, you're going somewhere cool, like lesbos maybe. the remainder of your life will not be one of uninterrupted bliss, but nor will it be one of unparalleled suffering. yet you look around at all that you love, unable to appreciate it. the joys of life are suddenly just covert cruelties designed to hurt you all the more when they are taken.

my darling woman, your duty to your people is over. do not deny yourself enjoyment of the people, the experiences, the victories that make life worth living.

so i, cassandra, whomever, sail off to lesbos (nice) with a blindfold. the waters can be treacherous, and they can be still, like glassy, rippling mirrors. it's all an adventure. i don't need future-sight to know that the horizon is bright.

i stand at the bow of my ship¹, not alone but with all the people whose journeys will coincide with mine, and i feel the wind brush the hair across my bare shoulders like a familiar lover. i defy the dread within. the rudder of my vessel cuts through it like a knife, leaving its remains in the foamy wake. i'm thinking about how i plan to get really good at poetry. maybe meet a nice lady on the isle. eat your heart out, sappho. i breathe out. and as i breathe in, i the air of promise and hope fills my lungs. lesbos here i come.

sweet dreams luci <3

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