day33 - digital sunsets
dear luci,
on the first day of my voyage (see my previous entry for context), I let the universe happen to me.
on the way to bouldering, I listened to a playlist I keep of some of my favourite artists' music. a particular song came on. reflexively, I skipped over it, but then for a moment I hesitated.
fuck it. I went back to the song 1 and let it play. I sang every word at the top of my lungs as I drove through traffic. it reminded me of another time I had done the same with someone close to me. I continued to sing every song as it played, given I know most of the words to pretty much all of them. it brought an unbelievable joy and lightness to my morning.
~ an interlude ~
this week, a friend reached out to me seeking advice or guidance or wisdom (beats me why they'd think I have those things) regarding their own blog. how the fuck have I written once a day, every day, for a month? I waffled on a bit: "it's like therapy!/ it helps me reassess or reframe the previous day/ it forces me to be a little creative."
regardless of what I said, it seems my writing has an impact on this person. something that comes pretty easily to me was "unthinkable" to her. I always get wigged out when someone tells me something I've written or said or created has inspired them. Usually when I write, I'm grappling with the frustration that whatever I'm trying to articulate isn't coming out right, or it's unfocused or inelegant. how could that be worthy to make a mark on their brain? well thankfully I don't get to decide what should and shouldn't be meaningful to someone. what impacts me about art or poetry or film is rarely how "focused" or succinct its ideas are— it's the sincerity, the audacity, the rawness, or even just the factor of "how the fuck did they think of that??". is it so strange that my brain (absolutely whacked as it is) could be capable of that kind of self expression?
here's the post she wrote about it, by the way. I get a couple mentions, which did wonders for my ego. in any case I'm just happy to have friends who are willing, and even enthusiastic to engage with my art.
one last little anecdote before I bring my ship to port for the night. I was lucky enough to play some Minecraft this afternoon with a lovely human, and on a whim I decided to install the same shaders she had. we didn't play for too long, only chatted over text. at one point, the sun began to set on our server, and we just stood there with what I can imagine were variations of the same goofy smiles on our faces. I had no idea that shaders could change the way the game looked and felt so fundamentally. and as beautiful as that was it wasn't even just the shaders for me. it was the fact that I was playing and building alongside someone in a world that we had created. it was all of the sparse memories that I hold on to from my youth of enjoying Minecraft with friends, coalescing into this gorgeous mosaic of the digital sunset in front of me. in a lot of my recent entries here, I've talked about feeling alienated and uneasy in a good portion of my daily life. and today in those beautifully enriching moments, I finally felt at ease, and even at home. I'm very fortunate that I was able to slow down and enjoy that today. I won't call it an antidote, but I would be lying if I said it didn't ease my weary soul.
I'm looking forward to more opportunities, more moments, more experiences like that.
sweet dreams Luci <3