day34 - body as commodity, soul as spectacle
dear luci,
tonight i have been thinking about myself in relation to how others perceive me, especially when it comes to lust or desire. i think i am the world's most insecure egotist-- occasionally i step out of my body and recognise that yet again, i've driven the conversation back toward myself, to my accomplishments. i don't think i'm hot shit by any means, i honestly consider myself an odd duck, and the path of most of my relationships in life tend to corroborate that perception-- someone is very interested in me, that intensity burns off, and they get over it without much ado. in any case, i found myself talking about me again tonight, my favourite least-favourite subject, and said something along the lines of:
"i feel like i've had an unexpected amount of success in attracting people in my life." i then elaborated: "i think i'm some niche thing, like a YouTube series someone makes for their own enjoyment without considering an audience, but then suddenly gets more attention than anticipated"
so why the fuck do i think about myself and how i relate to people in this world in such highly commoditised terms? am i that shallow? that poisoned by the disgustingly corporate mindset of "build your personal brand" which i loathe so much?
what I do know for certain is that despite not being a very, shall we say, sexual person (I'm pretty much just flirtatious), at my very lowest I have derived incredible self-worth from being desired. even if I don't reciprocate those feelings, I turn into a completely different person— someone I don't like— when I know that someone has deemed my body as worth desiring. why bother putting my heart on the line and trying to foster the connection and emotional intimacy I really want, when I can find someone who just wants to consume me. tell me that's not enticing, intoxicatingly toxic. you feel your absolute lowest, completely worthless, but someone sees something that they want of you. it's incredibly simple, incredibly transactional, and if you go through with it, you feel lonelier than ever. you can't win.
it's kind of like how, when the weight of the world and its complexities, socially, historically, politically, begin to make your back hurt, you start to almost wish you were still able to believe that everything was black and white. obviously, you also kind of don't, because that begets ignorance, but fuck, it's all so chaotic. would that it were so simple. Yes, I could open myself up to connection, allow myself to be vulnerable in exchange for further closeness, but I could also just let myself become a power hungry dominatrix, I have the control, you can't hurt me because I don't let you in. I'm not saying that casual hookups are inherently spiritually caustic, but it certainly can be if that's how you're going about it.
there's no grand point to my pontificating tonight, no clear conclusion and no easy answers. why am I, a communist, engaging in one of the purest forms of commodity fetishism?? feels good? maybe? not often! I've known the incredible highs of intimacy with someone who understands and cares for you as a person. reminding myself how good that can be kinda ruins the idea of just offering myself up as an idol to be worshipped. false gods and all. that's not such a bad thing though, to feel a new hesitation toward that impulse. at the very least it makes me more judicious about what I do with my body, and who I do (and more often who I do not) share it with.
sweet dreams Luci