day38 - oh, wonder
dear luci,
tonight I am so legitimately head empty, so uncharacteristically vacant —that the thought of managing to figure out any kind of coherent thing to write about is nigh unimaginable. fuck it, I'll write about writing.
i spent my day writing for a game jam project that my friend hana got me in on (thank you). without giving away the bit, it's a text based adventure about a person experiencing a thunderstorm while they're home alone. there are a couple main paths you can choose based on the character's feelings about the storm (i.e. calm and content, or scared and uneasy) which determine what kinds of things happen during said storm. today, based on a non-sequitur that I wrote yesterday, I wrote a path where the character decides to build a blanket fort. it's something they used to do as a kid during stormy weather, and they decide, "yeah. let's do that again". it's not like today was a particularly happy (nor unhappy) day for me, but something about getting to inhabit that very cosy place was so exciting to me. It wasn't just the idea of writing about making a blanket fort, it was specifically the concept of an adult revisiting something that brought them so much joy as a child, and throwing themselves wholeheartedly- without shame or cynicism- into that. to imagine my character's giddiness at the thought of indulging in that pure childlike wonder. to write a cat into the story who eventually (spoilers) will settle into the blanket fort with her owner. it felt like creating my "happy place" and opening the door for others to enjoy. well, not yet... but... when the game's done.
cynical (depressed) little bitch I am, that goofy playfulness doesn't arise very often, and when it does, it doesn't tend to stick around long. however, and here is a life hack for you: the one thing that will elicit that emotion from me everytime without fail... is a swing set. specifically the act of swinging. if you want to hear me giggle- not laugh, GIGGLE- you need only observe as I swing back and forth, trying to use my momentum and body weight to go faster, higher. I don't feel embarrassed when I get like that, as involuntary as it is. it makes me feel so fucking liberated to be a bit cute. to take off the (and let's just be honest here, INCREDIBLY TRANSPARENT) tough girl act and just... have fun without feeling like I need to pretend that I kind of resent how much I'm enjoying something. it's a side of myself that is rarely seen, but it's one of the truest manifestations of who I am. I am a very playful person. sometimes frustratingly so! usually that takes the form of making people laugh through jokes or whatever else, but occasionally it is just as simply distilled as this.
So yeah, if we're ever at a park, I'll make a beeline for the nearest swing set, and I'll have the fucking time of my life. cause I am an adult, and I do adult shit, but I know how important it is to keep holding onto those little moments of pure wonder. it's what I love so much about exploring new places with other people. you get to watch what catches their eye, and through that, you notice beautiful things you otherwise wouldn't.
keep holding onto wonder, whatever you do. it won't heal what ails you, but it will remind you that life is certainly fucking worth living.
sweet dreams luci