day39 - sometimes it sucks having a body
dear luci,
today was a pretty good day, but the topic of my reflection is going to suggest otherwise, so just keep that in mind.
this afternoon as i tried to prepare myself for the day ahead, i became very aware of the shortcomings of my body. medically, cosmetically, and otherwise. i felt so fragile— faint and anxious like a startled bird. my clothes weren't fitting how I wanted them to, every article somehow managed to conspire against me to accentuate all the things I hate about myself. I often wonder how much I could achieve, how much I could do with my days if I didn't have to contend with so many dysfunctional major organs: skin, heart, stomach, brain, etc.
when you're someone who dreams of doing so much, who knows that they have potential, or whatever that means, it's easy to lose yourself in the whirlpool of expectations. your own, first and foremost, but also occasionally the expectations of those you love. if it doesn't work out, if you don't fulfil your destiny, it would be nicer to be remembered as someone robbed of their potential rather than someone who squandered that potential. the distinction sounds slim and meaningless, mostly because it is. i don't care how it happens, if you die, I'm not going to be at your funeral thinking "what a waste". I'm going to be mourning my friend. and that, I must remind myself, is probably true of the people in my life too.
how much could I do, how much could I be, unmoored from the flaws of my body? that line of questioning just drives you crazy. we won't all turn into sentient Fanta, I won't become the posthuman goddess I deserve to be, and I'm going to fuck things up (in a good way). I've always believed that you're better off taking a big swing and missing your target, rather than sitting there thinking for hours about how badly you want to hit that target. I'm going to strive for the person I want to be. I'm not going to be content with a body that doesn't fit me, but that doesn't mean I need to hate it. it just means allowing some adjustments. albeit very expensive adjustments.
I'm just rambling at this point, and I'm dozing off, so I'm liable to not make any sense. maybe I'll revisit this, maybe I won't need to.
regardless, fuck it. here's to big swings (no, not the type from last night)
sweet dreams Luci <3