day41 - infection
"Don't let it in with no intention to keep it
Jesus Christ, don't be kind to it
Honey, don't feed it, it will come back"
Hozier, It Will Come Back
dear luci,
i had a good morning today. I don't tend to have good mornings anymore, because my day isn't good until I've dragged my sorry carcass out of bed and found something to busy myself with. Today I had something to busy myself with, and yet, I didn't feel better.
I drove down to [redacted] feeling excited, optimistic- enriched after a night of spending time with people who enjoy my company. I ended up spending about seven hours with many strangers (friends you haven't met yet), and a few people I already knew. Unfortunately the aforementioned "people I already knew" were, in large part, comprised of old friends who have soured on me for reasons legitimate or otherwise.
I will preface my interpretation of events with a huge, implicit "i feel/felt", because I could be mistaken in viewing everything through the lens that I am. I heard the quiet scoffs when I tried to make jokes. I heard the impatience in people's voices when they'd have to talk to me directly, rather than to the group. I noticed that nobody, except one of them, believed in me enough to suggest that I could act in the film we were making. A million tiny signs all accumulating in one resounding sentiment: "We aren't happy that you're here".
So what happened? I used to be friends with these people. What is it about my love that gives it a shelf life? A use-by date? Let me count. At least 16 friends in the last four years have come to loathe me. What was considered "funny" is now "obnoxious". What was "caring" is now "manipulative". In one group I became so unpalatable that suggesting I didn't want to be onstage with someone who had COVID as recently as a week prior (they played my character's wife), and was cast out so hard that anyone involved no longer returns my messages. That crime was worth banishment. Nevermind the fact that a guy they continue to hang out with has been accused of rape on two separate occasions.
I hear you telling me that I shouldn't dwell on it, it's better to be true to myself than make myself palatable. I have no doubt you've lost friends before. But I do, in fact, doubt that you've lost as many, as consistently as I have. And I can feel it happening again, too. Another instance of Cassandra, prophet of Apollo, speaking truths to me that can never be believed. I'm not one to agonise about the end before things have truly run their course. I enjoy good things when they come to me. I enjoy them unquestioningly. No shit it confuses me, hurts me when they go wrong out of nowhere.
If I could flip a switch and become someone new, someone milder, someone who inspires real love rather than concentrated bursts of deluded affection, I would. People leave my life dissatisfied that they are sold a lie. As if their love for me was no more than a thrall I had cast upon them. If you love me, if you have loved me, make no mistake, you will likely leave my life with an unfavourable impression of me.
I am an infection to be recovered from. A fever you can and should sweat out. Any disease's first priority is to spread. To cling. I'm tired of fighting off antibodies just to remain in your world. I've decided just to let it happen. Get well soon.
Sweet dreams Luci