day47 - trying my best
dear luci,
no doubt it is very difficult to live with a person you've broken up with, semi recently. it's a difficult balance between being there for one another and also making space for you to heal and rediscover yourself. by nature of the undertaking, it's never frictionless: you'll upset each other unintentionally, you'll miscommunicate, and you'll encroach on the newly-formed boundaries of personal space bubbles. so what do you do when it seems like nothing you're doing is good enough? you left out the dishes, you've been giving them more space than they want, you forgot to text when the bird's cage door is open, you've been out later, more often. yeah, I don't know the answer.
anything I do feels like it's perceived as an insult, and the things I don't do are chalked up to carelessness. I had some friends over last night. we watched Lord of the Rings and walked to my place afterwards, slept in my bed cause it's a queen and the house we were at before only had a king single. It was lovely, and I was sure that it would be okay if there was some crossover in the morning as he returned from a presumably similar activity the night before. unfortunately that wasn't the case, and I could tell he was upset when I introduced him to these friends. we left shortly after to go bouldering. I tried to explain things were much more innocuous than they seemed, but I clarified in all the wrong ways and overexplained things when he would have probably preferred to remain unaware.
I feel terrible for upsetting him, and without being very charitable to him (another source of intense guilt), I can surmise that the scene he walked in on, literally just two people in the kitchen eating breakfast, conjured up a host of images about how my evening might have gone. this is an assumption that I'm not even sure exists. but I'm so sick of people looking at my life from the outside and drawing conclusions with minimal evidence.
I don't know. I think I'll end it here. at the risk of sounding like I have an incredible martyr complex, I am tired of everything I do somehow not being good enough for some people. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best.
sweet dreams luci <3