day48 - a bitter irony (and an unexpected turn of events)

30 Mar, 2025

dear luci,

a few weeks into development, i knew our game needed to go on hold. this was okay, i was actually at peace with that. i knew, and i continue to know that it will get made-- but not right now. that decision left me in the midst of a new status quo. i was depressed, directionless¹, and my self worth was at an all time low².

but what i did have going for me, however, was a desk at a game-developer co-working space. alright then. my plan was to use that desk to prop up my failing mental health: to come in each day and do something.

in the middle of February, i had a job interview. it went really well. they gave me a bunch of materials to study, and told me they'd get back to me. so i went into the office at the co-working space every day and i studied. most days, i would get lunch with a girl who sat at the desk to the left of mine. i kept my elbows locked and held my arms out in front of me. "don't get too close" i said, with everything but my words. i started to go bouldering with her and her friends on saturdays. i had nothing else on, so i might as well. she would invite me over to her place and i would think about it, but that's about all i would do. we started texting regularly and i shared this blog with her-- she got to know me a bit better through that, despite how agonisingly unforthcoming i was in person. i finished my study for the "job" i was in the running for. i was bored and i needed to find something to occupy my time in the office. i left early most days, feeling too depressed to deal.

let me belabour this point a little. i had decided my time in this co-working space was "just for now", something to keep me busy before i started full-time work. i was eager, desperate even, for the fulfillment that this job would give me. about a month after the job interview, i decided to ask my new friend if she, and some others, were busy that night. they weren't, so i came over. we had pizza, watched a crazy, incredible movie, and talked until like, 3am. I drove home with the girl who sat next to me in the office.

something changed.

i started looking forward to coming into the office. it had stopped being a means to an end. i wrote my very first game with my deskmate, now a close friend, over the span of a week. i went over to my friends' house again that saturday and i stayed the night. my arms were tired from pushing people away. so i surrendered and let them into my heart. i had almost forgotten about the job, a faint but necessary eventuality. i went into the office every day excited to see my friends. we hung out in person a few times more. and on friday, i got a text asking if i could start the job on monday.

oh.

on one hand, i was excited: i do need money and i want to learn these new skills. on the other...

i didn't anticipate how heartbroken i would be when it came time to surrender my weekdays to this job. i thought i would be relieved, but i am almost tearing up writing this. these people-- okay, let's drop the façade: these dogs³, have come to mean so much to me in the short time we've spent together. i don't think things will change all that much, but my heart will ache a little each day that i don't get to see their faces. i couldn't wait to leave, but now, i don't want to.

i will miss bullying the office manager. i will miss the artist with her gravity falls t-shirt. i will miss the two vaguely european, bearded, bespectacled men. i will miss the curly-haired man with his kind eyes and his warm greetings. i will miss the people i never got to know well enough to miss. but most importantly, i will miss:

the girl next to me who cared enough to keep trying to be my friend, even when i gave every indication that she should stop.

the girl with the blog like mine, who is quick to doubt herself but just as quick to share her kindness whenever you need it.

the little one, the girl with the hoodie and the chewed-up sleeves, who cocks her head to the side when she's thinking about something.

and i will miss the girl who is sweet as caramel slice, with a fire burning low but steady inside her soul. even though she isn't in the office, my cherished breakfasts with her may be up in the air as i begin this new job.

i love you all. you gave me reasons to be happy at my lowest. you gave me laughter when i needed it. you gave me your compassion and your support.

although i was reluctant to open myself up to you at first, now i am brave enough to say: please don't let go of me. i promise i won't make it easy.

and tomorrow, as i start my new job, i will hold you all in my heart. my dogs. my non-dogs. all of you.

sweet dreams, luci <3

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