day50 - it's mental illness, innit
dear luci,
it seems like the people I love are suffering right now. whether it's something in the water or it's just that time of year: love mental illness is in the air1. tonight, i am a lonely kitty, which is now fortunately unusual given im suddenly surrounded by people who care about me. much like a dog2 that knows when it should quit digging, I've decided further introspection on my part will lead me to more of my own pain rather than being helpful.
the goods are great, the highs are high enough to induce altitude sickness, but the lows pull you back down hard and before you know it, oh baby, you've got the bends3.
such is the inevitable dance we are doomed to repeat, often with zero rehearsal time and in front of an audience of our most judgmental peers.
I'm a very normal girl. if I could wave my hand and relieve these beautiful, gentle souls of the impossible weight bearing down on them, I would. even if I had to take that weight on myself. however, I'm told self-sacrificing behaviour is not sexy, so unfortunately I must try to avoid it, and instead all i can do is give them as much love as they will accept. do what i can whilst keeping myself together. i have gotten much better at balancing that in the last few years of my life.
i never understood the kind of people who felt they could comfortably isolate themselves from the world. i can understand the extremely mentally ill impulse to do so, i have been there, i wrote a short film about it called 'the mortifying ordeal of being known'. but, like, i love people. people inspire me to grow, people help me shake off the impulse to recede into insincerity and cynicism. that's fucking sick. people listen to me info-dump about x-men. people laugh at my jokes. people hug and kiss and (sometimes) bite me. you can't be around em all the time. i think we work ourselves into periods of intense burnout when we get used to that kinda routine, like, you really do need to steal some moments with yourself, like a lover in a group of friends. i steal moments to myself when i write, if that counts. and also when, before i go to bed, i read x-men comics on my tablet until i pass out. i love walking between places because i get to just listen to music and notice the world around me. i love public transport for the exact same reasons.
in any case. tonight's entry has been... scattered to say the least. but i stand by that. i wanted it to be so uplifting. something sweet and sincere and kind and motivating, that made these friends who are struggling feel a little lighter in their souls. i don't necessarily think i haven't achieved that, that remains to be seen, but i think if i have, i did it in a much different way than i intended. which i think is nice.
thank you for sticking by me, reading my writing, loving me from afar, up close, or a mix of both. here is to fifty entries. here is to fifty more.
sweet dreams, luci <3