day51 - always tired
dear luci,
I've always been really terrible at doing nothing. when my schedule is empty, I find myself (as I may have described before) quite listless and often pretty depressed. but now I find myself in a situation where my calendar is more or less blocked out. it's kind of rich of me to be complaining (but I'm not even necessarily complaining, more so just thinking out loud) when I haven't even completed a full week of work.
today when I got home from work I was absolutely exhausted. there was nothing that I wanted to do except just sleep and relax. maybe do some fun things that I haven't had the time to do lately. but I couldn't do that: I had organised to meet a friend for dinner. as difficult as it was to motivate myself, I'm very glad I followed through on those plans, because I had a good time. afterwards I felt kind of energised by how much I enjoyed dinner. instead of going home, I went to visit more friends. I ended up staying decently late, and now I'm not entirely sure about how many hours of sleep I'll get before I need to be up in the morning tomorrow.
in the past, the only time staying out late on a whim has been an issue is if I've had an appointment or something like that the next day. I drag myself out of bed, I go there, do the thing, and then I go home to catch up on my lost sleep.
I love spending time with friends. I love having so much on my plate, but at the same time I find it incredibly exhausting. and if they read this, they shouldn't feel responsible or guilty for the way i spend my time. I almost never regret it—and it's my responsibility to be able to take care of myself and know when I need to tap out.
even though I used to hate not being busy, I realise the absence of options was one of the few things that probably let me have time to myself. That's not to say I haven't been relaxing— I've just been indulging in the part of my brain that wants me to keep going. That can be beautiful and can create some incredible memories, but it can also run me down. I have experienced that and I have a feeling that I'm going to experience that further in the future, especially, you know, given the full-time work.
I never thought I'd be cut out for this kind of working life because of some pretty hefty chronic illness— I'm still not sure if that's true or not, whether I'm actually able to sustain this kind of lifestyle. this job is kind of an experiment in that honestly. It almost reminds me of being on holiday intending to write to journal, but then getting through a day and realising it's already ticked over to the next. you'd be better off writing tomorrow, but then tomorrow you're doing even more things and the cycle kind of continues. I survived that last year for about a month. I'm not sure that that's going to be healthy for me to maintain, but at the same time I don't want to sacrifice time with my friends.
people energise me (I mean that in the least freakish way), but at the same time I have begun wishing ever so briefly that I could just pause time and slip into some kind of pocket dimension wherein I can just take a moment, not miss out on anything, and resume time when I need to. to sleep, read, play, or just do nothing in particular. but that's not possible and that's okay. honestly the only reason I'm able to get this entry out tonight is because I've been dictating it to my phone instead of actually typing it, because I know between showering, getting ready for bed, unwinding, and writing this, I'd be going to bed at like 3:00 a.m. and I think that would kill me.
in any case, it's a new type of life for me. not better, not worse, just different. that comes with the reality of having to adjust to this routine, to find out how best to cope. I'll manage.
sweet dreams, Luci <3