day60 - possession
dear luci,
forgive my title, the age-old double entendre. it hardly matters how you take it. but which way could she possibly mean it? every way.
I've spent the last 8 months or so litigating and re-litigating the case for my existence as an individual (with some exceptional co-counsel). the district attorney doesn't seem to want to let this go. there have been delays, hearings, mistrials, and verdicts but above all, a lengthy process of discovery.
it's sad. I feel like I'm being uncharitable toward the people who love me. I don't think there's anything wrong with them for wanting someone dependable, committed, engaged, present. that's just not me right now. That makes me sound like my reasoning is something trivial like "I just wanna sleep around", not to knock anyone who would live that kind of life, you're valid, but that ain't me.
I'm a fuckin mess these days, and I don't mean that in an inherently negative way. I'm still very much piecing myself together, in some ways now more than ever. I'm trying to figure out how to balance my life with the lives of those I love. I'm trying to figure out what I want. I need the space to be messy, be selfish, be a little flakey if I need to. I don't want a commitment hanging over my head because that means there's a real risk of hurting someone I care about if I let them down. This isn't me trying to find excuses to justify being an asshole or a bad friend, nor is it some pass allowing me to isolate myself, couched in the language of self care. I say that because allowing myself to explore the relationships that enrich my life is also a huge part of this self discovery. I just can't invite someone to stay the night when I'm using my spare bed space as interim storage for moving boxes I've yet to unpack. One day, yes, I absolutely want someone to occupy that space. But right now, I need to sort my shit out.
But lately there have been moments where I've felt like my time isn't my own anymore. I've had the desperate urge to claw back as much of my autonomy as possible. My days are not my own, but that's the grim reality of working life. I'm not ready to cede the rest of my existence.
Now if you're reading this and you've decided that you must bear the red blot of guilt, that you're the root of all my problems, I urge you to reconsider. I don't vague-post. If we had a problem, I would go directly to you about it.
I don't want to belong to anyone. Not now, and really not ever. Don't get me wrong: one day I want someone to grow and love and live alongside. But I don't want to be a trophy. I don't want to be a pet. Don't cage me. Any promises or assurances I make to you will be made out of love, not necessity, not coercion. I want the safety and comfort of love. I don't need the "security" of it. I don't want to be monitored, scrutinised, interrogated. That love will be built on trust. Not suspicion. But right now I just need to be one person. I don't have the capacity to do much besides that.
sweet dreams Luci <3