day65 - not tonight
dear luci,
before this became what it is now, I started writing a very different entry for the evening—but I changed my mind. I decided that it would hurt more than it would help.
you might think this is counterproductive, a kind of self-censorship that abandons the intent within which I created this blog. I truly don't know where I stand on that, nor whether I really care. one of the great joys, and occasionally tyrannies, of publicizing your self-expression is that the second anyone else experiences it, it changes somehow. intent and origin no longer matter so much, because if you've done things right-- or wrong, and the difference is so clumsily demarcated-- the reader will have developed some kind of emotional response to it.
I draw strength from the publicness of my blog. when I'm feeling my Ugliest, most Insecure, when the urge to lash out grows in me, I stop writing. Firstly, that's a very intense emotional landscape for Luci to deal with. I'm not even being silly, I love her, she's my little darling, and she doesn't deserve to be hit with such an onslaught. Secondly, I think about my friends as they read the blog. I feel worse when I know my writing has the kind of negative intensity that could hurt my readers. I feel best when I transform those feelings into something uplifting. It's like I'm in a storm, and I'm scared, sure, but my friend is terrified of storms. You put on a brave face, suddenly it's easier to tell yourself, as you tell them, that it's okay, they have nothing to be afraid of.
I am healing. If my day has been shitty and I write about it in the most depressing, self-hating fashion, all I do is perpetuate that. I'm not saying you need to lie or pretend everything is okay. I'm just saying that it's much more constructive to find the angle that is, at best, hopeful. It makes you feel better. and if someone has had a shitty day and they read the post where you say "I've had a bad day, but I'm trying my fucking best and I'm proud of that", you just might bring some light into their world.
I am not immune to hypocrisy. I will not always adhere hard and fast to this principle. But I will try my very damn best.
This post began as something joyful, became something sad and apathetic, thus the title, and it has morphed into something much more empowering. Not tonight, I say. I will not give in to my darkest impulses. That is a choice that I will need to make again and again. Let's see how I do.
Sweet dreams Luci <3