day66 - graduation day
dear luci,
i wrote the title of this post in my brain long before i wrote the thing itself. i named tonight's post after the final episode of x-men the animated series, a show which i don't think is particularly good, but respect nonetheless. nor have i really seen most of it to be honest. full disclosure, i'm so full of alcohol. like, some tequila (tempered with sugar-free pasito, a godless concoction), and a bottle and a quarter of pink moscato. i am sitting on the couch next to a sweet (yet sexually depraved) golden retriever. his name is cookie. he belongs to a girl whom i am rather close to.
today we graduated. i felt a variety of things about it. for one, i was sad: i contributed a lot over my three years in this course, and i had very little to show for it. i was a course representative because i saw my peers missing out on opportunities that others in the university had. its not that i wanted recognition for it, although that'd be nice-- i wanted to make an impact. i wanted to change things meaningfully so my peers and i could make the most of our education. i wasn't quite able to do that. i made an impact, a tangible, material one, but not nearly the waves i expected to make, that needed to be made.
my course was/is the much maligned younger step-sister of another course, better resourced, better structured, but the comparison doesn't account for much: it's like trying to quantify which sibling was treated the best by their neglectful parents. a lot of my friends, in fact, all of them, were in the older sister course. i was lucky, overjoyed to graduate in the same ceremony as them. but we sat on separate sides of the auditorium, and we went off in separate groups afterwards: me with my parents, them with... each other. that's cool though, kind of just a circumstantial thing. regardless, these little things highlighted the disparity i already felt. but, always the unifying force, the bright, loving voice that says "I am so sorry you've had to deal with this." and genuinely means it, a very close friend (perhaps even my best friend) invited me to the cohort graduation party. the following sentiment will make her smile.
now i can finally let go of the envy and hurt the divide spawned in me.
i am very fortunate to have graduated. now, the distinction between courses no longer fucking matters. i do not have to feel left out from any more exclusive group chats, end of year award nights, inside jokes, etc etc. in graduation, we have been equalised. all that matters now is what we do with our lives.
i joke a lot about how my degree won't be worth a damn in my career in tech. this is probably true, but that doesn't mean it was worthless. i maintain that the best (and only, ngl) thing university was able to provide me with, was the chance to build connections with some fucking incredible creatives.
i want to create again. i don't want graduation to place the headstone over the grave of my filmmaking dreams. right now, though, i don't have the energy. i wonder what i should do, if anything. better to wait? or better to chase after it?
all i have ever wanted is to make art that i can stand by, with people whom i love and respect. perhaps now, graduation gives me more freedom to do so. of course, i will need to negotiate around my job, but i have to try. i owe it to my six year old self, who answered "what do you want to be when you grow up?" with the strangely specific "i want to be a film director."
at the party this evening, i expected to feel gross and alienated, but fuck, i had fun. i had so much fun. i took photos, i told people i love them, i hugged. i hope it enriched the soul of its hostess as much as it enriched mine.
so there you go. i've graduated and i feel complex about it. this is the standard experience, no?
as the next chapter of my life begins, or something cliche like that, i get to pave my own way rather than travelling along the tracks laid out for me by people who think they have my best interests at heart. they don't know me that well.
i will finish writing my representative report, try to make some final recommendations to cement the worthiness of the time and energy i spent in the position. i will continue searching for that elusive thing called balance. i will try to create, or i will find the motivation that seems so foreign to me now. and most of all, i will dance, hug, cry, love. hopefully for many years to come with some of the people i've met through my time at university.
sweet dreams, luci <3