day67 - joy
dear luci,
this is liable to be a more unfocused entry. i can feel many different ideas and paths branching out before me, and i probably ought to just pick one by starting.
despite a fair amount of unsteadiness and instability in my life and the lives of the people i love, i have had a lot to be happy about lately. this is not to say that i have been happy most of the time: i haven't, but the small sparks of light have invariably brightened my life as a whole.
Not to be a contrarian, but the blinding clumps of light aren't what impress me here. It's the little specks of gold as the city recedes into the suburbs. That is much more true to life.
i will indulge myself in documenting a few of these particularly bright flashes.
- talking freely and laughing with someone who i was sure would never want to see me again.
- yammering about x-men to my friend at a party whilst sitting on a kitchen countertop (one of my favourite perches in this world).
- sitting with the sweet girl who came to check on me when i got out of bed in the middle of the night to lay on the couch.
- using my obnoxious (charming?) powers for good and forcing everyone at a party into a group photo, because i knew a girl who could really use a reminder of some of the people who love her.
- perfectly timing a wink into-camera on my walk onstage to accept my degree.
- the happy little noises and excited affection of an aforementioned girl (i'll never specify which one) when i visited her, bringing chocolate tidings.
there is something not quite right in my life lately. there's an absence in me which feels man-made, like an iceberg whose core has been drilled out. i have felt a mounting sense of unease, and some once comfortable things have become dull.
but then there are flashes of joy. and i feel overwhelmingly in those moments, unlike i ever have before, that everything is going to be okay. i am looking forward to the future. the dread of "will this person still like me when..." has dissipated. i have taken their words for it. i, prophetess cassandra, have seen the future, and it is gorgeous. i go on adventures with people i love. i return to old places and visit new ones. i find joy and satisfaction in routine, and am able to break it accordingly. i have the freedom to create and the motivation to do so as well.
i've seen it. i feel it. much more profound than the anxious cope of someone who has been abandoned (woe is me) many times before.
and i cannot wait.
sweet dreams, luci <3