day70 - please (don't) get cold, i'm (not) ready
dear luci,
i spent the best of the warmer months in a depressive hibernation. i have never really been one for summer, or perhaps i have never had a reason to be.
lately the weather has taken a seasonally expected turn, but i don't want it to. at least not yet. i recognise the inherent hubris of such a feeling. why should the changing of the seasons halt for just one girl? why should the delicate balance of the natural world, disturbed enough by humanity, go out of its way to coddle me? well, it shouldn't- it won't. i'd never expect it to. but i'm not ready for winter.
I don't want it to be cold yet. I haven't begun to gather the layers I need to keep me warm. I can feel the chill creeping in, my lungs seizing. please, just a little more time to prepare.
last year the weather had begun to change as i returned from two weeks in Hong Kong. i look back on the trip fondly, even though i felt very sad, very isolated. but when i returned, i connected with someone new. someone who had stood at the periphery of my world for a few years. suddenly i was a +1 to a new 21st birthday party every weekend. i spent my Saturday mornings rambling over hot chocolate and caramel slice. the wind-chill no longer cut through me like a ghostly blade because my soul was warm. my time in Hong Kong, too, had given me the gift of even more new friends. dragon's breath in the cold morning air was just an echo of each new day's potential. suddenly, i was being invited on-set to help out. that was very rare. i helped my new friends create new things. i learned new things. i discovered myself as i discovered the beautiful souls around me. i felt enriched with purpose.
i should mention that things were far from perfect. but despite it all, i felt happy. my navy blue coat came with me almost everywhere. i bought a new scarf, uncharacteristically colourful for me. i was embracing the new shades and hues as they exploded from within. i made plans to travel, to try new things, to create. i was cast in new roles: goth-y lesbian1, werewolf, tv girl, disenfranchised french filmmaker. i wore costumes almost every weekend2: wolverine (the girl one), 1920's sophisticate, goddess of desire, french revolution era aristocrat, laura palmer, and a werewolf3 (twice).
i have no way of knowing what the change in weather will bring me this year. just as as i didn't last year. but i will remain so strong. i will make my own luck. i see a field of possibilities in front of me, many seeds beginning to flower. i take comfort in some kind of blind faith, a bizarre sense of certainty that some things will be. i see another journey overseas, looking at the same sunset in different parts of the world. I see things falling into place somehow, messily, chaotically, not without a fight, but falling into place nonetheless.
I will burn my possessions, my furniture to keep me warm. I will survive, and if I don't, they will find me in an empty room, save from a wall of framed memories. I will burn most things to keep myself alive. but I won't burn my past. I will leave a paper trail. I will not resort to living so meagrely that I become nothing more than the "present". I carry the weight of the past and the hope of the future with me wherever I go.
I run warm. I will share that warmth with those who need it, who want it.
okay. deep breaths.
alright.
you can get cold, now. I'm ready.
sweet dreams, luci <3