day72 - too much
dear luci,
I like to consider myself a "free" person: someone who feels emboldened to be themselves and exist unapologetically without the fear of taking up space. that must be how it looks to the outside observer. unfortunately not. growing up I was very accustomed to being described as "annoying". I retreated inwards, hoping that if I made myself smaller, people would like me more. at some stage in high school (not long after I began my transition), I let myself, or rather noticed myself, because this process was entirely involuntary, getting louder. this felt more authentic to me— the shell I had hidden inside in the preceding years was too small, I had just convinced myself that I didn't feel trapped. I began putting myself out there in some pretty radical ways that my former self would not even be able to imagine. It's not like I started caring less about what people thought of me, because I still do to an unreasonable amount, but I stopped thinking of the consequences. I made jokes, I talked to more people, I had opinions and I had them loudly. As great as that sounds, like I said, it was involuntary. I'd step out of my body and see myself in real time. Fuck, was I really this obnoxious?
Before I was Too Little. Now, I was Too Much.
I took up space as if it was second nature. I still do: I can't help it. That's not to say I'm not self aware, or that I don't try to tone it down at times. But I see myself in conversations, social settings, and just see the same kid people used to call "annoying" in primary school.
let's switch perspectives for a second.
what are some of the qualities I admire most in a person?
- the capacity to be kind and see beauty in the world, especially when accustomed to the opposite.
- a sense of humour, whatever that means.
- Passion, and the ability or the compulsion to Get Excited about the things they love.
- The desire to share knowledge and information with people they care about.
- The conviction to stand up for their beliefs.
- The wisdom to know when to do that.
I would curtail a lot of these traits in myself, if I could. But when I see them in others, that's admirable? Look, I'm not new to holding myself to impossible standards.
In any case, when it comes down to it, I have to ask myself if I would stand by my words and actions if I witnessed them in a friend. Would I be proud? Would I defend them?
I have tried things both ways, and in lieu of a happy middle ground, I would rather be Too Much than Too Little. It's not always the easiest path. But (un)fortunately I'm a loud, loving, opinionated, and excitable person. I am a collage of ticket stubs and late night car conversations with all the people I have ever loved.
I think I'll keep being that way. Try to be a little kinder to myself. There is space in this world for me. Might as well maybe use if it.
Sweet dreams, Luci <3