day73 - acts of service

24 Apr, 2025

dear luci,

the idea of a "love language" feels archaic in many ways-- but i am conflicted¹. broadly speaking, the phrase refers to a series of five categories which encompass the ways a person might show affection or love.

as outlined originally, they are:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Acts of service
4. Gift-giving
5. Physical touch

The idea expressed in the original book is that a person has a dominant love language, and further that we should learn and practice the love languages of the people in our lives to optimise our closeness.

A Brief Aside on Self-Optimisation
I am wary of any book, concept, idea, or movement which emphasises "self-optimisation", explicitly or implicitly. In 'Psychopolitics', Byung Chul Han critiques the culture of relentless self-perfectionism which we find ourselves in today. "Freedom" has been refigured as the worship and pursuit of "limitless potential". There is no end to what we can achieve, provided we work hard enough to achieve it.

We self-optimise to become the perfect workers, the most efficient cogs in the machine. We are told that it is desirable to eliminate weakness and imperfection, not because they might cause us pain, but because we should be the Best Version Of Ourselves That We Can Be.

We, the prisoners of the system, have become our own self-policing jailers.

"Being free means being free from constraint. But now freedom itself, which is supposed to be the opposite of constraint, is producing coercion."

And when we are set up to fail, the only person we have to blame is ourselves.

People who fail in the neoliberal achievement-society see themselves as responsible for their lot and feel shame instead of questioning society or the system.

We find ourselves depressed and burnt-out. We are not machines. Human thriving is not about optimisation. We cannot live Marie Kondo lives, wherein clutter = disorder. Happiness is rarely simple, nor straightforward. I cannot tell you how much misery the thought of my "limitless potential" has caused me. Let alone the damage it has done to my chances of finding happiness and fulfillment.

However, critiques aside, it's not popular for no reason. It is novel and often enlightening to find a pattern in the way you express care and love for another person. All that to say I am unwilling to throw the baby out with the bathwater-- even if the aforementioned baby and bathwater are a little bit radioactive.

One of the unspoken truths about loving someone, supporting or caring for them, is that the way you want to go about doing that isn't always the same as what they need.

Your first impulse, no matter how pure your intentions, will not always be the most helpful one.

Part of the tyranny of subjective human existence is that: a) You will not always know what a person needs. And, b) The person will not always know what they need.

So what then? Someone you love is struggling and you want to help. That's a beautifully human thing. But it can be an incredibly helpless feeling to just not know what to do. And it can be equally distressing for the other party to navigate the shit they're dealing with whilst finding the time and mental energy to identify and communicate something like "I really need a hug right now".

It goes without saying that my myers-briggs personality type hogwarts house astrological sign love language is "Acts of Service".

I've been serving _{snaps fingers} all my life. Acts of service is really one of the most all-encompassing categories on this list. It's actually comical how broadly it can apply. It's like the type O negative of love.

I feel like I'm at a job interview telling someone my biggest weakness is "I'm too hardworking" when I say that when I care about someone, I really care about them. Not in an obsessive way, of course. This tends to put people off (even though I JUST SAID it's not obsessive). I understand. I'm occasionally put off by that when I don't fully reciprocate.

But as a part of my foolish, lifelong quest to cater to every audience, I try to tailor the way I love, the way I care, to the needs or wants of the people around me. Life hack: they can't leave you if you perfectly anticipate their needs. That's not true. They can, and should. I'm making it sound like this is all I think about all the time, but that really isn't the case. I'm quite good (I think) at intuiting people, so it kind of just follows from that. Of course, people are complex, they won't always accept what they want or need. And sometimes, for whatever reason, you just can't give them what they need. That can hurt, in a mildly selfish way. But love is also being able to accept that it doesn't matter where they get it from, as long as they're okay at the end of the day.

I'm not a saint for being This Way. I don't think I'm a bad person for it either— that's like, an unnecessarily cynical viewpoint. I'm just a person. We are all, in fact, just people ².

This has been a very long-winded and impersonal way of saying that someone I love is struggling and I don't know what they need. They might be inclined to feel guilty for that, for worrying me or taking up undue space in my mind, to which I might respond: You are one of the cleverest people I know. Don't be fucking silly. You have earnt every square inch of space that you occupy in my noggin. You're going to tell me you don't feel like you deserve this kindness. Again: Don't be fucking silly. You know me better than anyone in my life right now. You have stood with me when I have been at my absolute lowest. And even if you hadn't, you'd still deserve this (love ain't purely transactional, innit).

So here are my Top Tips about What To Do When Someone You Love Is Struggling, And You Want To Help.

• Listen to them. Make sure they know everything they say will be free of judgement.
• Trust them. "I don't believe you" is invalidating. They are the foremost authority on What They Need.
• Make sure they know they aren't a burden. You care because you choose to, not because you have to.
• Give them space to be messy. Emotionally inconsistent. Humans aren't computers, we act irrationally sometimes. Make sure they know that they are allowed to change their mind about what they think they need, and they are equally allowed to be sure of it.
• Don't colonise their pain. This is about them, not you. The last thing they need is for you to add "guilt" to the tire fire of emotions they're already dealing with.
• Know when to be serious and when to be silly. Sometimes grimdark-ness begets further grimdark-ness. Sometimes it helps to try and make them smile, even just a little, when they least feel like they're able to.
• Remind them that they are not incurring a debt by accepting your support. We are social animals, not tax collectors.

These also double as weird third-person promises to you, hummingbird, and to everyone I love who might read this.

It is okay to be messy. To be fucked up and confused. To feel trapped in your circumstances.

We are just human beings beans. As much as individuality rules, community, in my opinion, is the greatest invention of humankind. We're stronger together.

Sweet dreams, Luci <3

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