day79 - silly little body snatcher
dear luci,
I'm returning to the airport tonight for the first time since arriving from our trip overseas in November. I've been afflicted with memories lately, idle daydreams like stabbing pains in my chest, but everything's been carved out already. Now it's just a reminder of how hollow I am. it feels wrong to be in a transit hub without a VHS camera in my face or someone else's bag in my hand as we're in the line for boarding, wondering where she could've possibly gone.
my airport interlude is just an underline on an existing feeling. I have a lot of reasons in my life to be happy, many more than I did when I was at my lowest from December to February. but I'm not. I'm really really sad. I don't even know what could fix it. I'm happier moment-to-moment, but when I'm not occupied, or the memories resurface, I feel just as hollow as before.
I have the overwhelming urge to shut myself away, do nothing but go to work, eat, sleep, and repeat. it's not even the mentally ill variant. I genuinely think that's what I want. I'm so fucking tired. That's no fault of the people around me in my daily life. have I been being myself lately? or have I just played into the role I know people want me to play. I haven't been at home much. I only cleaned because I had people over.
silly little body snatcher. you thought you could find joy through mimesis. surely what's missing from you is present in the person you love! all you need to do is absorb, overtake, devour like you do everything you love. you just can't help yourself. occupying someone else's career, colonising their aspirations, flaunting your freedom while the original is immobilised.
you don't even write all your entries for yourself. you just write in the hopes that you'll make someone happy, justifying the way you contort your feelings into a nice little bow to please them.
I'm lonely.
Surrounded by people, but so very lonely. And I don't doubt I'll get plenty of sympathetic messages from kind souls after this. But almost none of it means anything, and I feel fucking heartless.
I miss all the people in my life I've alienated. my ex, my closest friend, all the rest of them. I want to hug them and tell them I'm sorry, I don't even know what for. Just that I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I'm sorry about this one Luci.
I love you.
sweet dreams <3