day80 - a night off
dear luci,
of course tonight's entry had to be a nice, round number. a milestone. bear with me, you'll understand why i feel some type of way about that in a second.
i spent a majority of today writhing in pain, the consequences of a misbegotten bagel at a team lunch. the day's smaller moments were much more pleasant.
laughing with my co-workers catching up with a friend-of-a-friend i haven't seen in MONTHS visiting a wonderful girl for a brief period of time and savouring every moment.
i have been thinking a lot about how much time writing these entries ultimately takes up. if i haven't got evening plans, I'll get home from work, pass out for an hour or so, have dinner, write my entry, shower, and go to bed. it's a weirdly tight schedule. i spend a lot of time just idling between tasks lately. but i love writing these. i have never maintained a good habit like this before: something that isn't vital to my health, but makes me feel fulfilled.
i have also been thinking about how little alone time i get. that's on me, mostly. between my usual daily schedule, it's pretty packed, and i'm bad at spending it when i do get it. it's nearly 10pm, usually i'd write for an hour or so, take some time to shower, and very slowly prepare to go to sleep. i feel a lot of pressure to make every entry as meaningful as i possibly can, because i know that some people will be, by nature of their circumstances, a lot of their feelings into the world tonight in the same way. i feel guilty leaving mine kinda meagre. i also feel a lot of pressure to make my "milestone" entries particularly special, but in a way, this is exposure therapy. and also, this isn't not meaningful.
to cut to the chase: i have decided to stop writing very shortly. to play some video games. to retreat into a space of my own and just enjoy some solitude. then i will shower, and go to bed. steal a little more time for myself. i think that is the kind of selfishness that is missing in my life right now.
so i'm going to do just that.
sweet dreams luci <3 and sweet dreams to you, reading this.