day83 - 'mad at you' island
dear luci,
tonight I recall an ancient proverb. it has transcended centuries, cultures, and languages. the original text, translated as closely as possible, is as follows:
a: hey. don't cry. I went to Mad At You island and none of your friends were there :)
b: why were you at mad at me island?
i have a consistent talent for upsetting people. whether i’m naturally inconsiderate, generally unlucky or a weird mix of both, i don’t know.
I've decided I don't really want to harp on this. this takes up too much of my night as it is.
I'm anxious, I'm on edge. I'm not getting responses to my messages which is only making things worse. i feel guilty. maybe I'm a bad person. I feel defensive. fuck you, I'm trying my fucking best. I feel sad. I'm sorry it had to go the way it did. I feel tired. when is it my turn to be able to live. I feel self righteous. everything I do, you view in bad faith.
I am finding it harder to be alone with my problems. it is much easier to indulge in comfort seeking behaviour. is that a bad thing? I don't even know. part of me wants to sink into my bed, and another part wants to run to where I'm wanted.
cause my space isn't my own.
and even if it were I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable in it. I'm trying to find the line that demarcates mentally-ill self talk and actual character judgement.
I'm too scattered to keep writing
sweet dreams Luci <3