day84 - impulse control
dear luci,
i spent my day in self-imposed isolation just like in the good ol’ days of COVID. this was perhaps the best thing for me. i worked from home, supervised my budgie as she flew around the room intermittently, and caught up on one of the four(?) tv shows i’ve been meaning to get to lately. just quietly: i hope this isn’t how i have to spend my week, because i can see this getting tiresome.
don’t really know what to talk about tonight.
we’ll try this and see where it goes.
i wonder about my impulse control a lot. it’s quite poor, i think. when i was younger, my mum used to warn me off of ever doing any kind of drug. we had a second cousin who was/is? quite badly hooked on meth, and mum was concerned that some of that addictive predisposition was in our genes. now, i’ve never had a problem with substance abuse1, but i feel like she might’ve been onto something there. i do have what they call an addictive personality.
when i form an interest, it’s almost all i want to think about. i make it my mission to learn as MUCH as i possibly can about it. that’s always how it’s been. a singular focus which doesn’t necessarily blind, but definitely blurs— my sight of the world around me.
i don’t feel good about what i’m going to say next, but i know it’s true.
i can get like that with people, too. it’s embarrassing and i’m ashamed to admit it. but yeah. sometimes i can get a little fixated on people. i wouldn’t call it obsessive. but when i care about someone or something i don’t tend to be able to do it in half measures. this has a handy way of freaking some folks out (understandably), which can exacerbate the abandonment issues that in turn, likely cause my tendency to fixate. i wish i were more solitary or independent. not a dramatic over correction, but just a little bit closer to the middle.
lately my poor impulse control has caused me to loiter a lot. if i’m able to be around people, continually getting that flow of good brain chemicals, i’ll choose to do that, even if i know i should probably give myself some time alone. but i’ve had a new desire to do things with my weekends, the days i might otherwise spend flaked out on the couch. i’ve been trying to readjust. be smarter, more mindful with my time. it doesn’t always work. i’m trying to be more mindful of my needs. weekend by weekend, i am trying to build the IKEA shelf that is my personal life. i have no instructions, and no idea what a shelf should look like in the first place, but i have all the pieces. i’ll get there eventually. might be easier in the short term to ditch that task. but i’ll feel much more fulfilled if i do commit to working on it.
trying not to let my impulses get the best of me. that’s been a running theme of my life.
so come with me, as i try.
sweet dreams luci <3
Don’t everybody start clapping at once.↩