day87 - isolation
dear luci,
I don't have anything to say that is worth celebrating tonight. If you disagree, I ask with love that you keep that to yourself.
There are no clever observations about my recent life, no wounds, old or new to uncover and proclaim: “I'm gonna do something about that!” There will be no meta deep-dive interrogating and reframing the purpose of these nightly entries, no need to reassure myself that they need not all be earth-shaking. I've done that all before, and I already have a habit of repeating myself.
It's a slow-news day. The kind that might ordinarily be padded out with human-interest stories, interviews with young tech billionaires with plans to colonize Mars by 3020.
No, nothing so sensational, instead you will hear a much more common story. I feel unmoored. Like a self-driving delivery truck automated on a set schedule. Show up here at x, do this at that y, be back here by z. Do you know I sent someone a near-verbatim transcript of an interaction with a coworker today because I was so excited? Because it was the longest, most interesting conversation I had with another person that day? That was at 3 fucking pm, and the extent of it was me paying him out about being into Warhammer.
I'm just floating from place to place. I maintain sparse radio contact with other vessels, mostly just with the time and energy to ask the essentials: where are you? what are you up to? how are you feeling?
I go to work alone, I go to lunch alone, I go home alone, I sit at home alone, I go to sleep alone. That's fine, that'd all be fine if I didn't feel like a cameo appearance in the lives of people I love. No arc for me, thanks, I'm too busy on my own show.
It's not that I feel like other people don't have time for me, and it's not necessarily the opposite either, but that's getting closer— the real issue is more complex. I think the world we live in and the ways we're told to spend our time has the effect (intentional or not, you decide) of isolating us. Eke out some paltry social fulfillment within the little box you've been put in, but remember ultimately that you're just one person and that's how it ought to be.
well, I have trouble accepting that so-called “common wisdom”.
I've done great things with my new time alone. I've started reading comics again, I've caught up on TV shows, I've started watching some of the movies I've wanted to watch since February. Even when I saw people more regularly I still felt isolated.
I don't have an answer for how to fix this either. it's been coming up again and again in my recent entries. I guess all I can do is hope that I figure it out sooner rather than later.
Sweet dreams, Luci <3