day91 - to be held
dear luci,
I'm tired. I'm so tired from doing almost nothing. My close friends are waist-deep in their respective swamps of mental illness, and I can't stand the thought of keeping in regular contact with any more than ~2 people in my life. I've been okay, by days have been fine, but I've taken longer to answer those questions when asked. Will my answer upset you? Will this lead to a much longer conversation I don't have the energy for? Fuck it, easier to just let it sit. It's either that or I just tell you what you want to hear, although I know it's a vacant, dead-behind-the-eyes response. Lie to me and tell me I don't need to pretend around you.
I'm being a bit jaded, sorry.
it's tough wanting conflicting things.
it's okay I'm just really grumpy tonight. I fucked up an already complicated process with my media server, “fixed it”, and then come to find out that things are still fucked. when I get frustrated like this, I just want to run away like a child acknowledging that the task they've been reckoning with is completely beyond them. “Mum, I broke it. Can you help me?” Unfortunately, I can't do that. I just have to be an adult and deal with it. That's kind of a good thing, it's good practice, but I'm just so overwhelmed.
it's exhausting. I just want things to work, and I want to be held. I just want to be taken care of for a moment. Not that I really need it. I think I just want it.
Sweet dreams, Luci <3