day95 - mad at me island part 2
dear luci,
an old friend is having a birthday party that i wasn’t invited to this weekend. that was unusual, so i messaged her to ask if we were all good. as it turns out, we were not. we are not. she has decided that i am cruel. that i make people feel small to make myself feel big. that i have a lot of growing to do, and she won’t continue to be my friend until i’ve done it.
“I have been hearing from a lot of other people’s perspectives […] almost everyone I’ve talked to has echoed the exact same instances as me […] you would do better to work on these things and re-approach the people you care about having made genuine change.”
oh.
i don’t know the names of these “other people” whose perspectives my old friend had been hearing. it could be anyone.
this sent me into a profound spiral. i cried, i shook, i stared into the distance. save your apologies. just do better. i am on friendship probation.
this is far from the first time this has happened. as a matter of fact, this is a continuous theme in my life. i am loved, and then i am hated. i don’t understand it. i talk to my ex-boyfriend, the only person i know who still (as far as i thought) cared about me and kept in touch with these people. the conversation was too difficult, i understand, and he was afraid i’d use my influence to get him kicked out of my house. or that i’d make this place socially inhospitable. then he goes to stay elsewhere, presumably at the house of some of my old friends who now think i’m scum.
people were at ‘mad at me’ island. they were there and they were talking about me until, i can only presume, the image of me grew and grew until it overshadowed my human form. i became monstrous. no, i had never even shown an nth of kindness to this person. not once. and if i had, it was easy to overlook for all the cruelty i enacted upon him.
i’m not going to sit here and tell you that i never did wrong by these people. i'm waiting to discover the expanded list of those i have hurt.
but i don’t know. i have spent my life trying to be better.
one wonders if that is at all possible, or if i am just Like This.
sweet dreams, luci