day96 - this keeps happening.
dear luci,
today threatened to be quite bleak. as my family got ready to leave for the weekend, I played satisfactory whilst refreshing the Instagram messages I sent to two friends who may or may not view me as a source of pain in their lives. I guess I don't get the luxury of an answer to “Are we all good?”
I asked another friend what he thought.
“I don't want to put it in a way that points the blame anywhere but like. Seriously. Why does this thing keep happening? […]
like i don't agree. obviously. but if there's SEVERAL people, it's worth questioning”
and then if course there were the messages of unequivocal support. “I know that isn't who you are.” “They sound like they need to do some growing.” it would be so very easy to listen. so very convenient to shirk any sense of responsibility for how I have made these people feel. “Guys, my mum says I'm a good person!”. I just feel like that's too close to a kind of willful ignorance I don't want to entertain. I would rather err on the side of caution, treat all accusations as credible. I've been upfront with my therapist about this for at least two years now.
I would like to think I have grown since the time that these people knew me best. that I am no longer as brash. no longer so desperate to prove myself at the expense of others. that I'm softer, that all the pain I have felt in the last five years has made me more reluctant to burn bridges. but alas, I am not an objective critic.
I hope the person they describe has been buried under the excess material I have discarded as I have rebuilt myself, time and time again. I know I'm not perfect. but I genuinely have been trying to be better. I don't like making people feel terrible. I don't like losing people I love to my own faults. I don't like scavenging for understanding amidst the wreckage of the bridges I have burnt.
I'm willing to try.
I'm willing to show them.
I just don't know if they believe I'm capable. I'd be reluctant to trust again too if I made them feel the way they described.
but I can't prove a negative. and I can't prove something as undefined as maturity or goodness. I can just prove that I want to do better, and I will try my fucking best.
I don't get to decide whether I'm worthy of that opportunity. that's a painful feeling. but like with another of their number a few years ago, I won't blame them for the decision they make. I won't stop remembering and regretting. I won't stop being ready to make amends, if they want it. but only if they want it.
sweet dreams Luci <3