s02e03 - rot
if you thought your life was bleak before— look at you now! cancel your evening plans, alienate your friends, switch between three apps, each transmitting absolute rot directly into your brain. work for the weekend, waste the weekend, convince yourself you'll be happy someday? spend 8 hours a day in a windowless room, feel fucking dead inside and prepare to do it all again tomorrow. sit at home and feel the desire to crawl the fuck out of your skin, just tear chunks of flesh away because it's something to do.
the sanctuary you once found was empty all along if you're honest with yourself, and even going there makes you feel like you're stepping into entropy's living room. get completely accustomed to being alone, prefer it, yet grow to loathe it. hope to god your plans get cancelled, then agonise over how little you have to do that evening! you're inventing a new strain of agoraphobia: the thought of having anyone over at your place1 inspires a feeling of violent discomfort.
So read your fucking picture books because it's something in the place of nothing—and tell yourself you're not losing your FUCKING MIND.
successfully alienate all but one of your brand new besties and retain zero of the old ones. tear all your hair out, consider not going to the party on saturday night because the pressure of dressing up makes you want to cry, but the allure of a social event is ultimately too much to pass on.
ignore messages from people you care about, post concerning things online that have the unintended but expected effect of generating "worried about you" messages that you can continue to not respond to.
make one last, beautiful painting on your walls. but don't bother, because this is a feeling you've been accustomed to for as long as you can remember, and you really can't stand the idea of spending another 8 hours in the E.D only to convince the doctors that you're able to take your own wellbeing into your hands and fix the faulty wiring far too microscopic for your hands to reach.
have a shower, go to bed early. that's the only choice you've given yourself. what a truly fucking pathetic life.
With the exception of one, maybe two people in your life. Maybe two because one hasn't visited in so long that you honestly have no clue how you'd feel about it. Plus you always preferred to visit her place.↩