s02e05 - we must be nothing less than fabulous
a friend from your hometown moved to your city recently. you only found out the other night. you noticed the group all together, sans you.
on one hand you can't blame them— you've been less than present lately. you hadn't even felt particularly present in your own life until recently.
a month or so ago, your ex boyfriend told you that you need to do better if you want to retain the people in your life. there's a cruel ambiguity to that phrase. "be better". it feels like a chain attached to your ankle.
you do not know how to be better, which makes you a lost cause, and you don't know for whom you need to exhibit your "betterness" for, though if you do, that makes you unwilling to embrace real change.
there are two wolves inside of you. one who tells you "you should be doing more", and the other wolf says "if you started doing any more than you already are right now, you'd die".
you're getting more comfortable listening to that latter wolf.
you really are doing your absolute best right now. and that's not much. but you can't force it.
you're being watched, scrutinised. we must be nothing less than fabulous. well, it's not always that easy.
tense change lol
at this stage, fabulous is finding joy in my life, however small, and holding on tightly while the days go by around me.
so that's what I'll do.