s02e09
broadcast your bitterness to as many people as you can. make a point just to stab someone with it. let the acid burn at the back of your throat.
thoughtsmoke
when you're journalling, you can give yourself carte blanche to be messy. there's no one you need to prove yourself to1 and no need to anonymise your anecdotes. thoughts and feelings are ephemeral like smoke. they are made to dissipate, to fade into the atmosphere. i'm very thankful for that when I'm at my worst. any stray thought or feeling I recognise as particularly cruel, unfair, can be swept away by the wind. eventually. no need to crucify myself for stumbling while walking to point A to B. what matters are my actions, and if I act in alignment with my values, I'm satisfied. what I'm saying is, it's freeing to be able to process things with a level of privacy.
journalling is a good way to filter thoughtsmoke if it ever gets too thick. you can turn thoughtsmoke into breathable air. this takes time and effort.
but sometimes you choose to make the thoughtsmoke thicker. then you take off the mask and let it fill your lungs. you let it burn until it's too thick to breathe, and then you die.
believe me, there is a difference between taking off the mask, and simply not having one available.
taking off the mask is an act of self destruction. it is anger and desperation and pain and cynicism. the thing about self destruction? it doesn't take much to redirect that energy outwards. soon hurting yourself becomes hurting yourself and others. on purpose. I'm not just talking about collateral damage. sometimes you worry that the thoughtsmoke is slipping through the cracks and into the rooms of the people you love. but people are often more resilient than that. and if they choose to stay by your side, it's best to trust that it's because they want to. that they know they can handle it.
journalling allows you to process these feelings in private. a blog ushers an audience into the room, whether you like it or not.
I'm going to drop the analogy now lest I risk obfuscating my point.
There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and honest in front of an audience, even if that means sharing some less than positive feelings. However in my opinion, it is irresponsible to use that space to uncritically voice your harshest feelings, your bitterness toward some of the people in your life. Some of your readers.
I'm not perfect. I've thought horrible, bitter, unfair things about people I love. but when I do, I make the decision to leave them out of it. to not say anything I know I'll regret. those thoughts pass and I trace them to their roots and find that it was never really about them. I had taken something I was feeling within myself and sublimated it onto them, their words or actions. Healing is not the same thing as turning your pain into a weapon.
You don't need to be perfect. Just please, try not to let your pain make you bitter. try to keep the light of hope and love alive in your heart.
However if you're a glutton for punishment, you can try writing to impress yourself. Good luck, though!↩