s02e10
"things are pretty busy this week. send me a text next week and we'll organise a catch-up?"
a friend asked.
"sure!" I replied.
I got back to them the next Friday.
We laughed about how quickly time is passing.
"we're basically halfway through the year already"
they said.
I got back to them the next Friday.
"it doesn't feel real."
we didn't organise to catch up.
i think about a message I received a while back from someone, I can't remember who now, and I imagine replying.
"sorry, I've just been so busy lately."
I spent the last three days of my week at home, sick. and it still feels the same. I still feel exhausted. run down. a little bit miserable.
a former lecturer commiserated with me about the fun mental and emotional side effects of full time work. I told her that I was exhausted, always felt busy despite doing relatively little. she said something like "that never goes away."
she was trying to be comforting with her words but it just made me feel more despair. is this…just how it is for everybody?
I don't think I can live at this pace.
tonight, a friend was struggling with similar feelings. she lamented not being the way she once was. I told her, "who you used to be wasn't much happier than you are now"
and she replied,
"I'm not sure anymore."
was I happier this time last year?
I think I was.
I certainly had more optimism I was less lonely but I didn't do much.
I don't really do much now nothing of great value of any fulfillment
just fills my days pays the bills
makes me feel dumb around my friends and coworkers makes me wish I started this path sooner, or had an urge to learn more, better
but I don't have any other employable skills.
I wish I weren't going to sleep alone tonight
and I wish it mattered.
I've got no life to share
this isn't a life, it's a sentence, no full stops, just commas, running on, forever
I think about the hotel I'll stay at in September. I know I won't fit in with the crowd I meet. I know I'll wander back through those doors, drunk, many times, and collapse on the bed alone. this wasn't the life I imagined for myself, but I don't think I took the time to bother imagining a life for myself. I still don't. still haven't.