s02e11 - cagedbird//straycat
cw: uses of t and f-slurs. don't worry, i have the relevant permits ;)
in my experience a person is little more than a series of contradictory impulses vying for dominance. maybe it's reductive to suggest that one side ever "wins" that battle. i think we spend our lives vacillating between different ideas of who we want to be. that constant subconscious wrestling match has felt especially apparent within myself lately.
on 'passing'
for many years i killed myself trying to pass. to distance myself as FAR away as i possibly could from my identity as a transsexual woman. "why does it matter," i would wonder, "the way i was born? why can't i just be me? why do i need to claim an extra adjective when describing who i am?".
i secretly resented people like me, other trans women, but my resentment toward myself was far from secret.
i would love to say that i fully got over this. i mostly did, helped in part by the realisation that trans women, like most women, are pretty hot. but i still resent standing out. i also resent caring that i stand out.
even outside of my transness, i'm not good at performing the right kind of womanhood to be deemed fit for public consumption. i'm loud, obnoxious, clumsy and argumentative. not particularly dainty, not very feminine outside of the shape of my body.
but i can play the game. i am the token tranny in polite cisgender society. all my documents are updated with my chosen name and gender marker. i go to work 9-5 every day. i am the warm, domestic type of girl who thinks she might like a family one day. but at work, i am mistaken for a girl i look nothing alike, just because we are both trans. i portray myself as a sexless thing to avoid causing offence or shock. i am misread and misunderstood. i crave freedom from expectation.
i am the freak tranny too. i am the feral cat who bites and scratches and fucks. i am the disabled faggot who can't function, who wonders to herself "what if i'm living in a world that just isn't built for me?". i am the communist, the anarchist who wants to live life on her terms, not according to a script we're told to want to act out. but i am pathologically uncertain, and i cope by planning. how do i live an unscripted life without planning? part of me craves having A Person to live and grow and love. that's not very anarchic of me. i want nothing more than to feel safe and held.
i'm both of those people. but i think i'm only allowed to choose one in the end. and i don't know which option i like better.
the caged bird or the stray cat?
part of me hopes it'll all fall into place eventually, that it won't have to be a decision.
this is only a fraction of what i wanted to express when i started writing this. it's better than nothing. i'll no doubt explore it some more, eventually. but thank you for joining me. i hope that whichever path it comes down to, you remain in my life.